Subtle NPD traits are still NPD traits

When I started this blog, I listed out all the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits I could find from various websites, and checked off every trait I have seen in D. I checked every box.

While I don't see that he has clearly obvious traits, I see them. Over the years, little things would nag at me and things didn't always add up. Now that I see our abuse patterns at home from the perspective of survivor rather than victim, I can see all those subtle little things he did was narcissistic abuse as well as passive aggressive abuse.

D is very, VERY passive.
Very passive.

We've been in individual counseling over the past few years, me more than him, and I find it interesting that while I mentioned some of the things he has done to my counselors, the topic of abuse never came up. I have seen a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Psychiatric Nurse, and a Licensed Social Worker. They are all very good at what they do and have helped me tremendously, yet nobody saw any red flags that suggested I may be abused at home. I think I understand now why all of this flew under the radar: I wasn't able to show them the whole picture, just random little pictures.

Here's the best example I can think of:
Each little thing D does is represented by one of these little pictures.

There isn't a lot in common from one picture to the next. It's just a random collection of pictures. Just like D has a random collection of behaviors around me.

If you step back (or zoom out) a little, you can see there might be a little bit of a pattern going on, but then again, maybe not. It's still a random collection of pictures.

Stepping back a little more and seeing a lot more pictures - or noting a lot more of the little things that D does around me or towards me - makes it clear that there is something else going on besides just random pictures. The little pictures make up a bigger picture.

But if you step all the way back and consider all of the pictures - or all the things D has done - whoa, that's not little pictures but a big obvious picture of one very specific image. You don't see it up close with just a handful of the little pictures.

I've been reading a LOT about NPD and PA, both online and in books, and from what I've learned, some people exhibiting NPD traits are clearly obvious from the first little incident. Kind of like this mosaic of Marilyn Monroe. The big picture of Marilyn is made up of little pictures of Marilyn.

D is subtle. He's random pictures. But his random pictures create a pretty clear big picture that nobody else has been able to see... until I finally saw it last summer. Took me 20+ years, but I see it now, and I will never be able to un-see it.

Picture Mosaics from http://www.picturemosaics.com/ and http://fineartamerica.com/