why

Why am I writing this in a blog instead of a handwritten journal, and why on earth am I making it public?

My life is in flux and for the first time in my life I'm in charge of where I go, what I do, and who I become.

Holy crap, there are a lot of details swirling around in my head about what I need to do, how I need to proceed with things, how to clear out all the negative stuff in my head and replace it with positive, what I might want to say to people, what I've tried and liked, what I've tried and not liked so much.

My Private Life

In the past coupl'a years I have tried things I never ever EVER dreamed I'd do. At this point, most new things involve sex. Partly because for me, that's starting at the beginning - my awakening started with an intense need for affection and intimacy. Through sex, I'm taking care of these most basic needs. It's all new to me. I mean I'd been with D for decades, but we never explored or experimented. Now it's time. I'm exploring where my boundaries actually are within this facet of my new personality. I have been asked what my limits are, but there are a lot of grey areas. I learn by doing, so here we are. So far I haven't found anything I don't really like. No, that's not true. I have discovered that I am as straight as straight can be, and am not even interested in participating in heteroflexible activities.

My exploration of new things also includes sex because I can't afford some of the bigger ticket items on my list. Like deep sea fishing. Or dance lessons. Or foreign travel.

Oh yeah, about sex. My attitude about sex is very open and very flexible. If God didn't want us doing certain things, he wouldn't have created the opportunity to try them, and he certainly wouldn't have made them feel so good. Some posts here are very explicit. I'm telling it like it is.

My Public Life

The old me was a glum, depressed, chameleon girl who was an expert at putting on a happy face and making everyone think life was excellent. The new me is the exact opposite. Optimistic, bubbly, joyful, and so full of energy people ask if I'm over-caffeinated. (Well yes, probably that too, but...)

The new me is still struggling to undo all the damage that old me caused to my brain - negative thought patterns, bad habits, and such. I'm trying to develop the habit of being grateful for stuff every day, for focusing on things I'm happy with and things I'd like more of.

I'm also secretly planning to move out. D doesn't know I'm leaving. I'm not telling him because he is the type who will blame me for anything and everything, throw a tantrum, then break or hide or throw away my stuff to keep me from leaving and/or punish me for doing this to him. I'm not interested in playing that game any more.

There are a surprising amount of details to keep track of when moving out on one's own, and more so when the move is being covertly planned.

So why am I doing this all in a public forum?
That's easy. I'm tired of being alone.

I grew up as an only child with no cousins in a family that moved a lot. Instead of developing into a hermit, I developed into someone who craves social interaction. No, I don't want to be the center of attention, and I'm not doing this here for the attention. I'm doing it to feel less alone. If I know someone, anyone, is out there, then I feel less abandoned.

Social isolation is my greatest fear in life.

Ironically, one thing my childhood isolation taught me, which I HATE but can't seem to undo, is my habit of retreating into my safe little cave when I get stressed out. When my family went into crisis mode a few years ago, I vanished to the world. Dropped off the face of the earth. Lost all my friendships, gained a reputation of never answering the phone or calling back, spiraled into a deep dark scary place where I kept hoping someone would reach in and help me out.

Nobody did.

I'm still crawling out of this place, socially and emotionally. Which brings me to this blog.

In a nutshell, I'm writing all of this - the public and the private - for myself as a form of therapy, a form of keeping track of stuff, and as a form of pulling back the curtains and gingerly reaching out to the world to see if I really exist.

If you happened to stumble across this blog, please say hello. I would really appreciate it.