Get Out of My Way

I have been an excellent roadblock to myself.

Before going to bed on Sunday night, I wrote up a brief list of goals I want to accomplish this week. They're simple goals, and I could get them all done in a day if I had a hard deadline:

1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
2. Apply for 3 more lower wage, part time jobs (to carry me through until the permanent job comes through. I need money for toilet paper and gas. And an occasional latte.)
3. Clean out the front flower garden 
4. Clean the front porch
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry
7. Sort through and/or pack another box of stuff - moving prep

Today I cleaned the front porch. Took me 15 minutes.

That's it. That's all I accomplished today.

I can't tell if I'm depressed, lazy, or afraid to move forward. Or afraid.

If I move forward, then I'll be closer to moving out - a huge change.
I'm SO looking forward to moving out and changing my life, but I'm dragging my feet.
WHY??

I think I'm secretly afraid, and after scrolling through pages and pages of NPD and PA related Pinterest boards, and browsing through a half dozen blogs written by people who have been in the same position I'm in, I think I know what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid of what other people will do to me when I leave. 

From friends and family - "Why? Oh, poor D. He's such a nice guy. What happened? How could you possibly leave him?" and I'll feel pressured to talk about it.

I'll talk about it here, but I don't want to tell the same story over and over. And over. That's what happened after the accident, and it was hard. I hated talking about it the first time, but then everyone would ask and I'd find myself telling the story again and again. It got to the point where to this day, if I even think about the accident, I start crying about how awful it was, and how horrible the repairs and recovery was, physically, emotionally, and socially.

I'm afraid it's going to be like the accident all over again and I don't want to do it. I just want to get on with my life and not have to talk about it. I also still care about D, and don't want to say anything that will make him look bad. I know that's stupid, but I don't. I'd also feel like I'm betraying the kids if I say, "I left D because ... (insert any snippet of truth here)" I just want to publicly announce one time, "It didn't work out," and be done with it. But I KNOW it's not going to happen like that and I get knots in my stomach thinking about it.

From D, himself - I fear the character assassination that may follow. He may lash out and publicly skewer me in social media (he has no other friends at this point.) He may say things that will ultimately hurt the kids, and I'll feel guilty for their getting sucked into his drama.

I'm also afraid he might escalate. He hasn't for a long time, but I have always been afraid of an explosive escalation. Always. Its never gotten to that point, but from the time we were married, that fear has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind.

Even if I keep my (future) employer's identity a secret, and take precautions to hide from him after I move, he has access to technology that will probably find me, so I don't think I could ever hide from him. That makes me nervous. He's like an earthquake - The Big One. The potential to be devastating is there, and there are no warning signs, so you never know when it's going to hit. Or where you'll be when it hits. You could be hurt by your own home, a landslide, a tsunami, you never know. That scares me.

On the other hand, this is all just worry. I'm so focused on things that haven't happened. They aren't real. They are only  figments of my imagination.

I need to take a deep breath and bravely forge onward.
The things I think I might be afraid of can be dealt with when I'm finally there.

Tomorrow I'll check the three most difficult and time consuming things off my list: 
1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry

Time to get out of my way and move forward.