Emotional Abuse is invisible... unless you know how to see it.

What my wall would say is:

I'm thinking about it...

I forgot.

Oh.

" ... "

I don't know why you got so upset when I didn't plan anything for your birthday.

" ... ... ... "

What the hell do you want?

I can't even think of what else my wall would say. Most of his abuse is nonverbal.

Other than the words above, my wall would be mostly blank, but it would be pitted with holes, the paint would be smudged and smeared, and a closer look at a flaw in the finish would reveal an old beer receipt that was kind of painted over.

Companys A, B, C... and the interaction with D

Week two of the new job.

Tonight, D saw my work ID badge in the dish by the front door, picked it up, and held it out to me.
"Yours?"

My name and picture are on it.
"Yes," I replied.

"Oh," he said as he returned it to the dish, then went back into the garage.

About 10 minutes later, it dawned on me.
I work for Familiar Company A, a resource company who leases employees to other companies. My job is an assignment to a contract position in Unknown Little Company B's offices. Company B leases office space from Gigantic Conglomerate Company C.

Company A writes my paycheck. I am Company A's employee.

My work badge is for Company C, since it's a key card.

I chuckled as I realized that D thinks I got a coveted job with Company C.
Big, grand Company C with the fabulous benefits package.
Gigantic world-recognized Company C where getting any job there means beating out tough competition.

I'm not gonna correct him. He has never asked about the job, never congratulated me on getting the job, never said squat about the job, I'm not going to bring up the conversation since he clearly doesn't care. Why bring on the aggravation to myself, behaving as if he cares only to be deeply disappointed when he proves he doesn't care?

Let him think I work for Company C.
Then when I don't get the well known fabulous benefit package offered by Company C, I'll just let him think I didn't sign him up for the fabulous benefits. He probably won't even ask.

I used to think withholding this kind of information was wrong, and would have never purposely misled D, but at this point I can see that he really doesn't give a shit. Chasing after him to make sure he understands I work for Company A, not C, and explaining the whole situation, then encouraging him to show he cares and being hurt when he pokerfaces me... I'm not playing that game any more.

I'm done.
Game over.

Recharged

I got to see B on Sunday.

We hung out, laughed, explored a vein of mountain roads (two dead ends, a washed out road, and high altitude snow made us turn around from all attempts to get over a particular mountain) and spent the day catching up with each other while we explored. B asked about my new job, asked about my scar and how it's feeling these days, and he not only asked about my life but was interested in what I had to say. It was such a nice change to have a normal conversation.

We also spent some quality time in each others' arms.

I needed that. Of course I'd like more touch more often, but B's hugs and kisses and everything filled the deep void for a few hours. B recharged my soul again.

Deep breath. Now I can face another month of isolation at home.

Today's unique blend of abuse: The Girls' Day Situation

Imagine the periodic table of elements. Everything on the planet is made up of differing combinations of items in this table.

 

D is the same way. Every event and interaction with him is a blend of NPD & PA characteristics. 

I'd love to see a Periodic Table of personality disorder Elements, with examples of behavioral blends.

There are other periodic tables, see?

The Elements of a Super Hero

from comicsalliance.com

And Harry Potter

from www.huffingtonpost.com

Always useful, in my humble opinion - Swearing...

from deathtotheworld.com

 Boozing. Or as I prefer to call it: Cocktails.

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

I love bacon. It's fitting that it is the first element in the Periodic Table of Meat.

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

 And the a classic - The Muppets:

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

Ok. That said, I need a Periodic Table of Psycopathic Elements, since the situation below is a combination of the following:

PA: Acting sullen, easily offended, feeling unappreciated, criticizing, feeling resentment, stubbornness, doing things to punish others when they feel wronged (giving me the silent treatment.)

and NPD: disregards the feelings of others, being told "No" comes off as a personal attack, has few friends, constant need for attention, has a sense of entitlement and that others with automatically go along with what he wants.

On top of that, if he had gone with me to Claire's house, he would have sat on the couch, sulking about being ignored, complaining about being bored, and asking when we could leave. The longer I stayed, the more he would act like an unruly child so I'd be compelled to cut my visit short - partly to get him to stop acting out and partly leaving early out of embarrassment.

I know this from experience.

Here's what happened.
The girl's day situation, 10am:
Me - I'm leaving in an hour to go have lunch at Claire's house. I'll be back in time for supper.
D - Why?
Me - Because you know how we talk. I never get out of there in less than 3 hours.
D - No, I mean why do you have to go at all?
Me - Because she's my friend.

D glares at me.

11am.
Me - I'm leaving for Claire's now. See you in a few hours.
D - I want to go.
Me - No, it's just going to be me and Claire.
D - Why?
Me - Because we're going to be doing girl talk, that's why.
D - I can still be there. You guys can talk.
Me - No. Look. She invited me, not us. I'm going over there alone. Plus, she's still upset about Ed's diagnosis, and she needs to vent and cry and I want to be there for her. It's not the right time for you to join us.
D - You're hiding something. I'm going with you.
Me - Oh for crying out loud. No. I'm leaving now.

I grab my keys and walk out.
D storms off to the garage to sulk for a few days.

------------------------

In retrospect, since his response is usually passive and he shuts me out for several days when I offend him like this, I have been making a point to speak up and/or not play into his games - not just to stop the crazy at home, but primarily so he'll leave me alone. I'm much more at peace when he removes himself from my life, and his absences give me uninterrupted time and space to sort through everything in the house and pack up my personal belongings. 

It also helps me to emotionally separate from wanting things to work out between us. I gave it 20 years. If it can't be fixed in that time, it's not gonna be fixed in my lifetime. It also eliminates any chance of having the occasional good day with him, which always makes me question my plans to leave. This is hard. I love him on the good days, but they're so rare and fragile, that they never last. When we have good days, I think maybe we can work it out, maybe I can help him change, maybe he'll come around... When we have good days I feel super guilty about my plans to abandon him. His mother was forced to abandon him twice (long stories - medical reasons - she had no choice.) He doesn't have enough income to live on his own. He has physical scars and problems from the accident and I don't want him to think I'm leaving him because of that.

Ugh. I don't care what he thinks of me. I have my reasons for leaving. He can't be saved, but I can - if I suck it up and be strong and get out before depression swallows me whole. 

This duality of wanting to get out but wanting the old D back is depressing and gives me chest pains and anxiety. It's a weird combination of feelings that don't mix well, but there they are - all mixed together and hurting my soul.

Maybe someone could also design a Periodic Table of the Elements of Surviving Abuse.

Narcissistic Personality Traits

When I finally discovered there is such a thing as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I mentally checked off each trait that I had seen in D. Aha! I'm not crazy or overreacting or oversensitive... or being a bitch.

It was eye opening and subsequently, life changing.

I wrote a long post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits to accompany the post about Passive Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality (PA) traits, and checked off which traits D exhibits. I checked all but one box.
I'm repeating the list below.

The underlined traits in the list below are links to stories about how D has demonstrated that trait. As things happen, or as I remember things, I'll add them to the stories.

I'm doing this for two reasons:

1. I'd like to put all the evidence of our dysfunctional relationship in one place.
2. As I learn about this, I'm finding a lot of help and validation from others who have been in my shoes - some have had a shorter relationship, some have had a more extreme relationship. Regardless, their stories helped me to see that what was "normal" for my household is not normal, healthy behavior. Maybe my stories will help someone else realize what's going on so they can get also help or get out.

 Disclaimer: D has not been clinically tested, and probably never will be, so I can't actually say he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All I can do is recognize that he tends to have these characteristics, and proceed with the rest of my life with that in mind. So many little quirks of his personality match  the characteristics of this disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Traits

Disregards the feelings of others, and haslittle ability to feel empathy.
Sees no wrong in personally attacking others, or completely ignoring you 
Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack
Is oblivious to his own disorder 
Treats others as sub-human, but sees it as "they way it should be."
Has few friends.
Is asocial when no attention from others is available.
A belief that he or she is unique or "special" and should only associate with other people of the same status, and can only be understood by other special people.
A constant need for attention, affirmation and praise. Requires excessive admiration.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

An exaggerated sense of one's own abilities and achievements.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.)
Are self-centered and boastful. Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Feeling envious of others, or believing thatothers are envious of him or her.
Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation.
Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
Are easily hurt but might not show it.
Exploits other people for personal gain. Pursues mainly selfish goals.

Sources:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic119161.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydisorders/a/narcissisticpd.htm

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/neurological_institute/center-for-behavorial-health/disease-conditions/hic-narcissistic-personality-disorder.aspx

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

Passive Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality Traits

A while back, I posted about cruising around the internet to see how I go about getting a divorce. One link about passive aggressive behavior led to another link about personality disorders, and I ended up going down the rabbit hole again.

I wrote a long post about Passive Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality (PA) traits to accompany the post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits. While D has most of the NPD characteristics, I recognize that he is very very passive. On top of the narcissistic traits, he has all of the passive-aggressive traits below, which were gathered from several websites.which seems to describe D perfectly. The PA traits fit D even more so than NPD.

By the way, apparently, Psychiatrists no longer recognize the Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder condition as an official diagnosis, but it is still recognized as a condition which causes problems for people.
Don't I know it!

I'm repeating the list of Passive Aggressive traits below.

The underlined traits in the list below are links to stories about how D has demonstrated that trait. As things happen, or as I remember things, I'll add them to the stories.

I'm doing this for two reasons:

1. I'd like to put all the evidence of our dysfunctional relationship in one place.
2. As I learn about this, I'm finding a lot of help and validation from others who have been in my shoes - some have had a shorter relationship, some have had a more extreme relationship. Regardless, their stories helped me to see that what was "normal" for my household is not normal, healthy behavior. Maybe my stories will help someone else realize what's going on so they can get also help or get out.

Disclaimer:
D has not been clinically tested, and probably never will be, so I can't actually say he has any sort of recognized or non-recognized Passive Aggressive Personality condition. All I can do is recognize that he tends to have these characteristics, and proceed with the rest of my life with that in mind. So many little quirks of his personality match the characteristics of this disorder.

Passive Aggressive (Negativistic)  Personality Traits

Acting sullen, easily offended, being disagreeable and irritable.

Intentional avoidance of responsibility by claiming forgetfulness. Using inaction to let a problem escalate.

Being inefficient on purpose, contradictory and inconsistent behavior, performing in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.

Blaming others.

Complaining about being unappreciated, criticizing or protesting, chronically impatient.

Feeling resentment, resentful of useful suggestions or demands from others.

Having a fear of authority. Argumentative, sulky, and hostile, especially toward authority figures.

Having unexpressed anger or hostility and acting hostile or cynical, going to self-destructive lengths to seek vengeance.

Procrastinating, temporary compliance, intentional avoidance of responsibility, or compliance too late to be helpful.

Stubbornness, resisting other people's suggestions.

Sabotaging the action to show anger that they cannot express in words, hidden but conscious revenge.

Doing things to punish others when they feel wronged.

Sources:
http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder/overview.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/200912/the-five-levels-passive-aggressive-behavior
http://www.med.nyu.edu/content?chunkiid=96685
http://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder

I just wanted a hug.

This cartoon makes me cry.

image from http://www.robot-hugs.com/nest/

It was this situation that made me realize that something's wrong with D, and that I will never be able to fix it. I realized I wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for years and years and years.

At my home, I was feeling really low and asked him if I could have a hug, but he stood there and laughed at me.

So I started crying and asked again for a hug.
"Nope."

I opened my arms and said "Please?"

He backed away.

I took a step forward.

He backed away some more.

By now I was bawling my eyes out, and with tears streaming down my face, he moved away from me every time I tried to approach him for a hug. When I realized I was literally chasing him through the house in a cruel game of keep away, I stopped.

"Forget it," I spat out as I walked away.

"Aww, come on, I'm kidding! Come here, I'll hug you."

"No."

"Seriously, I'll give you a hug if you really want one that bad."

"Fuck you."

This one hug that I never got marked the beginning of the end.

I just wanted a hug.