Lorem Ipsum: Thank you, Cicero.

Back in college, I took a typesetting class where Lorem Ipsum was the common dummy language to fill in paragraphs. At that time, I knew it was Latin-ish, but never gave much thought to what it might actually mean.

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum." 

Today, for some reason I decided to look into it.

According to Lipsum.com, it appears a typesetter altered "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum," which was written in 45 BC by Cicero. Lorem Ipsum has been used by typesetters since its first appearance about 500 years ago. In 1914, H Rackham provided the following translation:

"No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"

Funny thing, the timing of this phrase. I've been struggling to get my ass in gear and do what I have to do so I can leave. I keep telling myself I know what I need to do. I can do what needs to be done. I feel like a broken record, telling myself this over and over and accomplishing nothing all day.

This morning, Lorem Ipsum popped into my head. The translation is exactly what I'm dealing with.

...occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure.

Yup. True in 1500, true in 2014.
Ok, you've got my attention. I'm listening.

Getting Out vs. Giving Up

Sometimes I wonder if there is help for D. Some kind of counseling or something that will help him to recognize and change his emotionally abusive patterns.

The first step, I thought is to try marital counseling. When I suggested that I'd like to try it to see if we could develop a closer relationship, he snapped at me.
"There is nothing wrong with our relationship!"

And then he walked into the garage and slammed the door.

Proof that he is ok with the way the relationship is.
Reinforcement to me that the relationship will never change. I need to change the relationship.
There is no fix, there is only out.
This has been eating away at me.

When times are good (Fantasyland) I like him. He makes me laugh.
He's generally a nice guy.
His mother abruptly left him when he was a young boy. (She later returned, but died a few years after that. I think I'm afraid my leaving will also be seen by him as more abandonment from another woman in his life.)
He's got a few physical impairments from the accident and needs my help to do a few things.
He might see my leaving as a sign of rejection for his impairments.
He needs me.
How can I leave him? I can't give up on him, poor guy.

Why in the hell are all my excuses for staying centered around making sure he's happy and taken care of??

What about my own needs?
Somebody please tell me to shut up with the excuses.

Today I came across the following quote from Thomas G. Fiffer:

“Getting out is not giving up on someone

when staying is giving up on yourself.”

Thank you Tom.
I needed that.