I have an apartment!

Now that I have a job, I can start planning my next step - moving.

This has been a challenge. Housing in the area is not cheap, and I'm trying to do this on my own, with just one job with average pay. I refuse to apply for housing assistance (I have no idea if I qualify) and will not, under any circumstances, live in a sketchy neighborhood. One way or another, I was going to find affordable housing in a decent neighborhood, in an apartment with decent management. Reaching for the stars, I wanted a balcony, nice neighbors, trees, and a water feature. I grew up near the water and always feel most at home when there's water nearby.

After years of living in a situation made financially unstable and being unsupported by D, I felt I deserved better. I deserved a decent home, in a decent neighborhood. I deserve to be happy.

I called several apartment complexes. The office manager at my top choice said they'd turned away 80 people, but I could leave my name and number if something opened up. So I did. Two days later I got a call, "We have an opening in 6 weeks. Are you still interested?"

Hell yes, I'm interested!
Two days later I've passed the background check and I'm putting down my deposit.

The apartment is mine!
(That was easy.)

Everything else is starting to fall into place now.

Employed!! Yay!

I had been stressing out about my job situation for over a year. Each week I worried about not having enough money to cover our family's monthly expenses, worried that I might never get a job, worried that I might be stuck living with D forever.

On top of that, I knew all the worrying was bad for me. It was attracting negative shit into my life and keeping me stuck. Worry is a challenge for me. I worry that things aren't working, and I know in my heart that this is a reason why things aren't working. Bad girl.

Two weeks ago, when I was trying not to worry myself into physical illness, the phone rang. A place where I had applied for a job months ago had someone abruptly leave and they needed to fill the position immediately. They had two urgent questions for me:

1. Was I still interested in working for their company? The job is similar to the one I had applied to, only in a different location.

Sure.
I'd lose my unemployment if I turned it down, so I'd say yes to a job cleaning out chicken coops, but sure. The company appeals to me, the office location is across town where I'm hoping to move, and I've got all the qualifications for the job. Sign me up!

and
2. When could I start? Today? First thing tomorrow?
They wanted me asap, or yesterday.

After about two years of looking, I am finally employed full time. Now I can concentrate on relocating. Yay!

Party Support

Last week we had a family birthday party at our house. Everyone was here. We had a great time.

I should clarify - before the party, I consciously made a few decisions about how I would behave during the party.
1. I was not going to cater to D's pouting that starts up about an hour into any friends and/or family gathering.
2. If D started feeling left out, he could deal with how to solve the problem. He is not the new kid in school and I am not his mother.
3. I was not going to stay by D's side and struggle against his haughty boredom to try to include him in whatever was going on.
4. When D disappears into the man cave or sits in the middle of the activity to watch tv, I was not going to try to correct his behavior to try to show everyone what a gracious host he is.

In other words, I was not going to babysit him, not going to try to cover for him, and not try to make excuses for his behavior.

I had a great time.
I don't know if he did or not. He never really talked about the party.
But I think he was a little surprised I basically ignored him.
Regardless, I had a great time.

At one point, my girlfriends and sisters were parading in and out of the kitchen, and one by one I told them that I'm leaving D. Nobody expressed surprise. Nobody asked why. Nobody urged me to go to couples' counseling to save the marriage.

I guess I was the last holdout. The last to figure out that it's just not working.
...holy crap, is it THAT obvious?

The general response was, "When are you leaving? What's your plan to get out? Does he know?" and one girlfriend, bless her heart, was bold enough to say, "I suspected this was coming. Are you ok?"

Hm. It is reassuring to know that I don't have to explain myself. I was dreading that.
I also probably have more of a support group than originally thought. I feel good knowing that.

Recharged

I got to see B on Sunday.

We hung out, laughed, explored a vein of mountain roads (two dead ends, a washed out road, and high altitude snow made us turn around from all attempts to get over a particular mountain) and spent the day catching up with each other while we explored. B asked about my new job, asked about my scar and how it's feeling these days, and he not only asked about my life but was interested in what I had to say. It was such a nice change to have a normal conversation.

We also spent some quality time in each others' arms.

I needed that. Of course I'd like more touch more often, but B's hugs and kisses and everything filled the deep void for a few hours. B recharged my soul again.

Deep breath. Now I can face another month of isolation at home.