Employed!! Yay!

I had been stressing out about my job situation for over a year. Each week I worried about not having enough money to cover our family's monthly expenses, worried that I might never get a job, worried that I might be stuck living with D forever.

On top of that, I knew all the worrying was bad for me. It was attracting negative shit into my life and keeping me stuck. Worry is a challenge for me. I worry that things aren't working, and I know in my heart that this is a reason why things aren't working. Bad girl.

Two weeks ago, when I was trying not to worry myself into physical illness, the phone rang. A place where I had applied for a job months ago had someone abruptly leave and they needed to fill the position immediately. They had two urgent questions for me:

1. Was I still interested in working for their company? The job is similar to the one I had applied to, only in a different location.

Sure.
I'd lose my unemployment if I turned it down, so I'd say yes to a job cleaning out chicken coops, but sure. The company appeals to me, the office location is across town where I'm hoping to move, and I've got all the qualifications for the job. Sign me up!

and
2. When could I start? Today? First thing tomorrow?
They wanted me asap, or yesterday.

After about two years of looking, I am finally employed full time. Now I can concentrate on relocating. Yay!

NPD trait: Envy

One of the traits of a NPD is envy.

Back in my post about Narcissistic Personality Traits, I pointed out that one characteristic is envy, and D most certainly has it.

☑  Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of him or her.

When we first met, we were working entry level jobs. He had just gotten his college degree a couple years earlier, and I had about a year of college under my belt.

When we married, we had no savings, no family money, no investments, no assets. We lived paycheck to paycheck and held our breath to make ends meet. We were still working the exact same entry level jobs when we got married, and he was earning 10¢ an hour more than me. Just 10¢. That came out to a gross difference of $8.00 between his paycheck and mine. (Except I worked a lot of overtime, so my paychecks were usually larger than his.)

I don't remember the circumstance, but I remember what he yelled at me to end the argument. It is one of the most ridiculous things D. has ever said to me:

You only married me for my money!

I'll never forget how pissed he got when I snorted and walked away.
Now I understand.

I'm thankful for...

• A check for  $160.03  that arrived in the mail today, out of the blue.
• An unexpected gift of  $225  to the kid who just started their first job yesterday.* The gift will pay for desperately needed work clothes. (And the kid was down to only one pair of jeans in their wardrobe, so we got a pair of jeans today, too.)
• Sunshine and temps in the 60s!
• The heavenly smell in the air from all the spring flowers and tree blossoms. 
• Laundry detergent. It's always a good thing. Clean clothes are very nice to have.
• My bank. Seriously, I love my bank. Yes, I know I'm weird; thank you. The tellers are great guys who are fun to talk to, everyone knows me by name, my banker and loan officer is the same person (and she says hi when she sees me around town) and I always walk out of there with a big grin on my face. I love my bank. (I'm gonna miss those guys when I move way across the city.)
• Phone call with an old high school friend - she's one of those friends where you don't see each other for years and can pick up where you left off when you do reconnect.
• Going out for supper with the kid after a day shopping. 
• Running into a dear old friend at the restaurant. 
• A new-ish friend stopped by my home for the first time today and I gave her the disclaimer "Sorry about the mess," then proceeded to give her the nickel tour. We had a short but fun visit. The kids showed off their new sports gear and we giggled at the really lame jokes spewing from the mouth of my eldest.
• I spent quality time with people I love.
  Today felt normal and happy and absolutely perfect. 
• Coffee. I love my coffee. I'm always thankful for a well made cup of coffee.

 -----------------------------------------

Hmm.
It's interesting...
Every day I give thanks for having cash in my purse or having enough money to get by. (Hey, if I have a penny in my purse, I have cash in my purse, so I honestly believe it when I say "I have cash in my purse.")

Our household finances are scraping the bottom of the barrel and we're literally digging coins out of the couch to pump maybe a gallon of gas in the car. The cupboards are bare. We suddenly have an urgent need for money (mandatory work clothes) on top of being low on toilet paper and out of milk. It's another 9 days of holding our breath until D's payday.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, money appears. Our needs are met.

BTW, the $160.03 was the return of a deposit (plus interest) that I paid 5 years ago for something. I had forgotten all about it.

-----------------------------------------

*Working kid was told, "Sorry, you can't wear jeans to work. And you'll need specific other clothes when you come in for your next shift." Ack! We have no money until the first of the month, and the cupboards are already bare. How are we going to buy the clothes? I posted some furniture for sale on Craigslist yesterday, and Thank God the gift and check arrived today because nobody called about my Craigslist ad.

Sorry I'm being cryptic about which kid/gender and what kind of job. Staying under D's radar...

I'm thankful for...

• Sunshine.
• Homemade gourmet pizza (last night's celebratory supper for the next thing I'm thankful for...)
• One of my kids got hired for their first job. The interview ended with a job offer. Yay!
• An incredible landlord/neighbor/friend.
• A decent night's sleep and waking before the alarm.
• A clean kitchen (...for about 10 minutes last night. I'll take what I can get.)
• Cash in my purse.
• Groceries (picked up a few things yesterday afternoon)
• Board games
• My job recruiter working for me behind the scenes, helping me land a permanent position so I can move.

I'm thankful for...

• BEING EMPLOYED!!! Last week I interviewed for a job I knew I had a good chance of getting, and today I learned that I got it. Yay! It's a long-term temp job that I'm taking for the interim - I'll still continue my quest for a higher paying job across the city - but this is a huge step in the right direction. 
• Having a caring and generous dad. Yesterday he dropped off some food and got us caught up on bills. 
• Sunshine. 
• Accomplishing a huge amount of sorting and packing over the weekend. 
• Sticking to my priorities. I decided to go on a social media vacation (ok, except for Pinterest) and this is helping me to focus my time and energy on what really needs to be done. 
• Having cash in my purse and money in savings.
• Feeling good, both mentally and physically.
• My kids. They were both home over the weekend and it was fun to be around their happy personalities.
• Being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel (see the first item on the list)

I'm thankful for...

• Meeting a goal last night: I FINISHED sorting, purging, and packing the last of my massive collection of scrapbooking supplies. That was a HUGE project that I started a year ago, and it's all packed up, ready to move. Done. Yay!
• Motivation. I was out of bed by 9am and showered by 10. I even remembered to take my antidepressant. If nothing else was accomplished, this still makes me a winner for the day.
• Starbucks for breakfast
• Having the physical and motivational energy this morning to clean the spare room upstairs. It's still cluttered, but it's dusted and picked up and the floor is clean.
• Clean laundry. I folded and put away 4 loads this morning and I'm not done yet. 
• Weather warm enough to open the doors today. I love being able to air out the house. Good chi.*
• Having food stamps and spare cash to pick up a few groceries. And a couple weeks' worth of toilet paper. And a pack of M&Ms. Gotta have my favorite reward on hand when I meet little goals this coming week.
• My kids. I am lucky to have a close relationship with them, and even luckier that they consider me not just Mom, but a fun friend to goof around with. Somehow, I'm the cool mom even though I make them do chores and tell them No when they want ridiculous things. (I think it's because I laugh at their fart jokes.)
• Thrift stores. They took 3 huge bags of clothes and toys and office supplies from me and gave me a coupon that I'll use for work clothes with my first paycheck. 
• Stuff I can sell. I'm ready to sell a few big ticket items via Craigslist. The cash will come in handy. (For more toilet paper and M&Ms, right?)
• Feeling good. I feel really good about myself today. This is nice for a change.
• Knowing what I need to do tonight to keep up the momentum of packing. 
• Knowing how much more I need to do before I'm done packing: 59 more boxes
• Being able to finally see huge progress with my sorting and packing efforts. 
• My metabolism, such as it is. I have been eating cookies and crap every day while I work on job hunting and packing, and I weigh myself every morning. My weight has been the same for the past month, give or take one pound. I'm still a plus size girl, but my crappy diet isn't affecting my weight in the slightest. Not one teeny bit. My clothes fit the same, too. I'm really happy about that because I know when I clean up my act regarding food, I'll be able to lose weight again. (I lost 50 lbs last year when I made a few changes.) It's nice to know that at least this part of my life is doing ok.
• Seeing my paycheck for $1,308.00 and being able to pay all the bills with money left over. (My bedtime visualization.)

Last night I decided that the best use of my time, other than applying for more permanent jobs, is to pack and get as ready to move as possible. Once I start working at a permanent job, I want to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I'm looking for a permanent job on the other side of the city, which means I'm going to have a hellish commute until I move. If I'm as packed and ready to go as possible, I can rent a storage unit with my first paycheck and start moving my stuff out of the house asap. It also means that if D plans to leave the house for at least 8 hours, I can take advantage of his absence and haul my ass outta there. Regardless, I don't want to deal with 8 hours at work, a 90 minute commute to get home, then deal with making dinner AND packing. The thought of that exhausts me.

I'm gonna get myself ready to run so there's no less stress when it's time to go.


* I mentioned Chi above.
Here are two links to explain:
Chi: Life Force  &  Feng Shui
 

I'm thankful for...

• Wild caught fresh albacore tuna in the fridge, from a neighbor
• Real cream in my coffee
• My dad, who is always looking out for me
• Getting two more boxes of crap cleaned out last night
• A sparkling clean bathroom
• Waking up early today
• Clean laundry, dried on the clothesline
• Goofy, cuddly pets
• Knowing what I need to do today to help me reach my goals
• The power of Pinterest, for helping me to envision myself in my own place
• Having a full day ahead of me to get stuff done
• Being able to accept that last week was kind of wasted, but I have a new week coming where I can start fresh
• Scented candles and loud music
• Having cash in my purse so I can pay some utilities on Monday (thank you Dad)
• Being accepted on food stamps. Things always have a way of working out. Financially, I didn't leap - the edge crumbled under my feet. And still, the net appears.

Every night in bed, I visualize the same thing: I'm at work somewhere, and it's payday, which comes around every two weeks. Someone is going around the office handing out paychecks (or paystubs for direct deposit) and I'm handed an envelope. I look inside and see a paycheck made out to me for $1,308.00 and I sigh a HUGE sigh of relief. I tell myself, "Everything will be ok."

Every night it's the same check for $1,308.00, and every night I sigh and tell myself, "Everything will be ok." I've been doing this for over a month.

Last night was different. After I saw the check, sighed, and told myself everything will be ok, I saw myself sitting down to pay all the bills. For the last umpteen years, paying bills has been overwhelmingly stressful because the money hasn't been there. We've been struggling for so long I have a hard time remembering when we were able to pay all the bills and still have some left over for savings. So as I continued watching the visualization, I opened the bills and added them up. Then added them up again. Laying in bed, I counted on my fingers the bills we actually have, and tallied up how much we pay for this and that every month. The visualization was correct.

Holy crap, we have money left over, and the $1,308.00 is a bi-weekly paycheck. I'll get another $1,308.00 in two weeks. Holy crap, I'm going to have a lot of money left over.
(Last year, D decided to change his job and now earns a mere pittance; enough to cover rent but nothing more.)

Last night it actually hit me. Everything will be ok. 
I'm just going to continue being thankful for everything that comes my way and picturing my paycheck every night.

I'm thankful for...

• hot coffee in my favorite mug
• sunshine, or at least lack of rain
• remembering to take my antidepressant meds today
• waking up before 10am
• being migraine-free today
• the surprise money I received in the mail yesterday
• knowing I have the cash for 2 full car payments in my private savings account 
• having a private savings account... with money in it!
• staying calm last night when D tried to physically push me aside like a curtain
• recognizing that I need to move out
• yesterday's good job interview
• knowing what one thing I need to do today to change my life

Blue

I've been on my frantic, desperate job hunt for a month now.

No job, no income, nothing. Because of my particular situation, I won't be eligible for unemployment for another month. Have applied for assistance, but that's a long process. The fridge is empty, we're on our last bale of toilet paper, and I'm getting scared.

I've had chest pains for several nights in a row, but I know they're just from anxiety. I have a knot in my gut that just won't go away. It makes me nauseous. No, I'm not going to the ER. It's not the lack of health insurance, it's just that I don't want to sit for 4 hours in a waiting room to be told "You're fine. It's stress. Go home and have a cup of tea." Fuck you.

Besides, I don't want to have to interact with D for that long. He annoys the crap out of me.

Today I had a meltdown and the kid comforted me. I try to hide all of my stress from her, but she's not an idiot. I can only protect her form so much of what's going on. I mean, she knows we're broker then broke, but I can't unload my mental crap on to her. She's a kid.

After numbing out for a while with computer games, I decided I'd figure out the one next step to get past this.

I need to focus.
Focus on what I need to do.

Sounds redundant, focusing on focusing, but for example, if I'm filling out another application, I need to focus fully on what I'm doing. Not letting all my financial woes and personal drama whirl over my head like a tornado of doom while I'm trying to fill in a form telling someone how awesome I am and why they should hire me.

That's backwards.

When I focus on something, really focus, I usually tune out the rest of the world and work hard at the task at hand. That's what I need to do: focus.

The other thing I need to do, when I have nothing specific to focus on, is to stop the negative little voice in the back of my head from saying shit like "We're so broke. I just need to get out of here. I just want a job. I hate this house. This is taking too long." and start working on a LOA approach* again.
*LOA = Law Of Attraction

The LOA worked so well when I got the last temp job, which was an accident (and a mistake, but that's another story), and it worked with so many other things. I even used the LOA to meet P, who has been an absolute godsend.

So that's my job from now on:
Focus
LOA

Here are the LOA links I found tonight that are helping to un-blue me:

• The Secret - stories about jobs
• Powerful Intentions
• How to work with the Law of Attraction to find a job regardless of condition
• How to overcome depression with the Law of Attraction
• Get Out of a Slump