A note about post Tags

I changed my tags a little.

The tags in ALL CAPS are characteristics of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Passive Aggressive/Negativistic Personality.

BEING TOLD NO
ENTITLEMENT
GASLIGHTING
HYPERSENSITIVE
INEFFICIENT
ISOLATION
LACK OF EMPATHY
NPD
PA
PHYSICAL PAIN
PROCRASTINATION
PTSD
SABOTAGE
THE SILENT TREATMENT

The tags in Title Case are other characteristics of emotional abuse* and my own names for other characteristics that D has.

Chinese Water Torture
Crazymaking
PingPong

The tags in lower case are my personal feelings and concerns.

abuse
affair
anxiety
blaming
breathe
counseling
cruelty
dating
depression
employment
fear
feeling stuck
game over
gratitude
happy happy
healing
law of attraction
leaving
love
lucky
me
money
my escape plan
panic
quotes
secrets
sex
steps
stress
support

(Keep in mind that the tag lists above are only current at the time I published this post. But you get the idea.)

So why go through the trouble to organize my tags like this?

Answer #1: Because I have a need to keep everything neat and organized. Maybe it's my desire to have some control over my environment. Maybe I have a teensy bit of OCD peeking out to say hello. (We all have little whispers of "personality defects" in us. Some just have loud shouts of these "defects," and hopefully are seeking treatment to keep them down to a manageable level.)

Answer #2: When I was researching all of this - starting with "why am I so frickin' unhappy" - and started reading about NPD and PA spouses, I wanted to read real life examples of what each characteristic was like. Many of the blogs and sites I found included situations with physical violence and I just couldn't relate to that. I'm hoping that if someone like me is reading about emotional abuse, trying to figure out if that's what is making them so frickin' unhappy, they will have an easy way to click on a tag to read story after story about that specific characteristic. Emotional abuse is so subversive that we survivors of don't realize it until we've been exposed to it for years and years.


*Because I experience emotional abuse, I don't know if these terms - such as "Crazymaking"- apply to other forms of domestic abuse. It's not fair to other survivors if I generalize.

Geek Speak

I'm one of those geeky girls to whom technical aspects are part of their innate logic. I understand and talk tech, I think as programmers do, and when my brain should be quiet and contemplative, the gears are grinding and I'm working out mathematical curiosities, geometrics of the physical world, and sorting and cataloging my life experiences in some logical pattern so I can mentally explore how things relate to each other.

Like I said, I'm a geek.

My mental edit function is turned to "Low," so most of the time I blurt out whatever is going on in my head without giving much preface to what I'm thinking. People think I'm funny, which is great, but I'm not trying to be. I'm just blurting out a slice of my stream of conscience. I just happen to have a weird way of seeing the processing my environment.

A couple of years ago, I finally decided to stop dumbing myself down in order to fit in. My language took off, and I left people in the dust with not only what I said but how I said it. People I usually talked to suddenly found they had very little in common with me, and even less to contribute to the conversation, no matter how much I tried to encourage (or force) the friendship to continue.

I'm happier, though. Sure, I have to find a whole new set of friends with whom I can relate, but I'll feel less stress in not always having to change who I am and how I think in order to be part of the group. That's exhausting.

This evening when chatting online with a new friend, I mentioned that I'd love to find someone where I'd be able to talk tech without having to stop and explain myself all the time, and it would also be nice to not have to stop when people's eyes glaze over with the tech talk.

He said he can relate and also tends to talk tech.

Then he asked if I play Words With Friends.

Ok, first of all, I'm not interested in Words With Friends. I'm not so great with anagram-type games and prefer logic. (Yubotu is my favorite - a combination of the classic Battleship and Sudoku.)

Second, I couldn't fit the app on my phone even if I wanted it. When I bought my first and current smartphone, I was on a tight budget and purchased cheaper one without a lot of internal memory, so there isn't much room for apps. It was that or live with the dumbphone for another year.

So I said, "No, I don't play Words With Friends," then went on to explain, "My phone doesn't have room for a lot of apps, and I have to root it to change that. The idea of rooting my phone makes me a little nervous, since I'm not ready to replace it if it bricks. :( "

He replied, "I thought you wanted to meet someone that was reasonably tech savvy? So, how is it that games on your phone are new to you ??? Just asking ...."

As soon as I read his reply, I could feel it floating up through my hair until it was suspended just above my head. That big question mark. You know the question mark I'm talking about.

Let's ignore my mention of wanting to root my phone but being concerned I might brick it. I slightly suspect that this remark caused a flicker of eye glazing as it went right over his head

Ah, well. One does not know what one does not know.

/rant.

Post #1

When I discover a new blog, I always click to read the very first post.

What was the original intention for the blog? Who were they back then? What inspired them to take all the thoughts and ideas from their head and start committing them to paper? Ok, so a blog is not paper, but you know what I mean.

As for this one, I have already written my first post. Go click on the tabs and read the "Who."
I also have a second blog that parallels this one, only it's where I journal about my private life. Sex. Experimentation, discovery, sensory descriptions, and an exploration of my personal limits. This other blog is explicit, so if you're rather prudish I recommend not reading it. On the other hand, if you're curious about following this part of my journey, click away: Learning to Fly (my private life)

The remaining tabs should explain who I am, what my intentions are, and why I finally decided to sit down and start writing.

Now, for my next trick, I'm going to post a bit of what's in my head. It will appear out of context, I'm not going to explain the backstory, nothing. I'm just gonna write. If you discovered this blog and like it and read post after post, then it'll all start to make sense.

After all, I am writing this for myself, I'm just doing so in a public forum.

Oh.
One more thing. I've come across similar blogs which have helped me make sense of things and helped me realize that everyday things at home are actually abuse. Maybe my stories here will help someone else make sense of stuff going on in their own home. If my discoveries help someone else in this situation, then that's good.