I'm thankful for...

• BEING EMPLOYED!!! Last week I interviewed for a job I knew I had a good chance of getting, and today I learned that I got it. Yay! It's a long-term temp job that I'm taking for the interim - I'll still continue my quest for a higher paying job across the city - but this is a huge step in the right direction. 
• Having a caring and generous dad. Yesterday he dropped off some food and got us caught up on bills. 
• Sunshine. 
• Accomplishing a huge amount of sorting and packing over the weekend. 
• Sticking to my priorities. I decided to go on a social media vacation (ok, except for Pinterest) and this is helping me to focus my time and energy on what really needs to be done. 
• Having cash in my purse and money in savings.
• Feeling good, both mentally and physically.
• My kids. They were both home over the weekend and it was fun to be around their happy personalities.
• Being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel (see the first item on the list)

I'm thankful for...

• Meeting a goal last night: I FINISHED sorting, purging, and packing the last of my massive collection of scrapbooking supplies. That was a HUGE project that I started a year ago, and it's all packed up, ready to move. Done. Yay!
• Motivation. I was out of bed by 9am and showered by 10. I even remembered to take my antidepressant. If nothing else was accomplished, this still makes me a winner for the day.
• Starbucks for breakfast
• Having the physical and motivational energy this morning to clean the spare room upstairs. It's still cluttered, but it's dusted and picked up and the floor is clean.
• Clean laundry. I folded and put away 4 loads this morning and I'm not done yet. 
• Weather warm enough to open the doors today. I love being able to air out the house. Good chi.*
• Having food stamps and spare cash to pick up a few groceries. And a couple weeks' worth of toilet paper. And a pack of M&Ms. Gotta have my favorite reward on hand when I meet little goals this coming week.
• My kids. I am lucky to have a close relationship with them, and even luckier that they consider me not just Mom, but a fun friend to goof around with. Somehow, I'm the cool mom even though I make them do chores and tell them No when they want ridiculous things. (I think it's because I laugh at their fart jokes.)
• Thrift stores. They took 3 huge bags of clothes and toys and office supplies from me and gave me a coupon that I'll use for work clothes with my first paycheck. 
• Stuff I can sell. I'm ready to sell a few big ticket items via Craigslist. The cash will come in handy. (For more toilet paper and M&Ms, right?)
• Feeling good. I feel really good about myself today. This is nice for a change.
• Knowing what I need to do tonight to keep up the momentum of packing. 
• Knowing how much more I need to do before I'm done packing: 59 more boxes
• Being able to finally see huge progress with my sorting and packing efforts. 
• My metabolism, such as it is. I have been eating cookies and crap every day while I work on job hunting and packing, and I weigh myself every morning. My weight has been the same for the past month, give or take one pound. I'm still a plus size girl, but my crappy diet isn't affecting my weight in the slightest. Not one teeny bit. My clothes fit the same, too. I'm really happy about that because I know when I clean up my act regarding food, I'll be able to lose weight again. (I lost 50 lbs last year when I made a few changes.) It's nice to know that at least this part of my life is doing ok.
• Seeing my paycheck for $1,308.00 and being able to pay all the bills with money left over. (My bedtime visualization.)

Last night I decided that the best use of my time, other than applying for more permanent jobs, is to pack and get as ready to move as possible. Once I start working at a permanent job, I want to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I'm looking for a permanent job on the other side of the city, which means I'm going to have a hellish commute until I move. If I'm as packed and ready to go as possible, I can rent a storage unit with my first paycheck and start moving my stuff out of the house asap. It also means that if D plans to leave the house for at least 8 hours, I can take advantage of his absence and haul my ass outta there. Regardless, I don't want to deal with 8 hours at work, a 90 minute commute to get home, then deal with making dinner AND packing. The thought of that exhausts me.

I'm gonna get myself ready to run so there's no less stress when it's time to go.


* I mentioned Chi above.
Here are two links to explain:
Chi: Life Force  &  Feng Shui
 

Emotional Abuse & Extramarital Affairs

I'm lucky.

I'm in a common (unfortunately) situation where I'm the victim of emotional abuse.

I'm in the more and more common situation where I'm having an extramarital affair (or two, or five.)

I'm in a very uncommon situation (I would guess) where I'm involved in both abuse and affairs at the same time.

My affairs keep me sane. My relationships help me to feel grounded and real.
The intimate contact helps me to fill the void from D's emotional abandonment of me.

I'm lucky because part of D's abuse is ignoring me for days on end, spending all of his time in the garage. I've gone days without seeing him. On days when I decide to take a drive out of the city to go to the lake or wander aimlessly around the mall for hours, or take my computer to a coffeehouse until well after midnight, he doesn't ask where I've been. No texts, no calls, nothing.

I go for weeks without another human physically touching me. Not even a clerk touching my hand as she gives me my change and receipt. Not even as strangers brushing shoulders as we pass on the sidewalk. It hurts my heart to go for so long without any contact.

I try to see the bright side to being ignored at this level: I have a LOT of free time at home. Sometimes I follow my usual patterns of going to the lake, mall, or coffeehouse, but I meet up with one of my beaus for some quality social time instead.

Like I said, I'm lucky.