I have an apartment!

Now that I have a job, I can start planning my next step - moving.

This has been a challenge. Housing in the area is not cheap, and I'm trying to do this on my own, with just one job with average pay. I refuse to apply for housing assistance (I have no idea if I qualify) and will not, under any circumstances, live in a sketchy neighborhood. One way or another, I was going to find affordable housing in a decent neighborhood, in an apartment with decent management. Reaching for the stars, I wanted a balcony, nice neighbors, trees, and a water feature. I grew up near the water and always feel most at home when there's water nearby.

After years of living in a situation made financially unstable and being unsupported by D, I felt I deserved better. I deserved a decent home, in a decent neighborhood. I deserve to be happy.

I called several apartment complexes. The office manager at my top choice said they'd turned away 80 people, but I could leave my name and number if something opened up. So I did. Two days later I got a call, "We have an opening in 6 weeks. Are you still interested?"

Hell yes, I'm interested!
Two days later I've passed the background check and I'm putting down my deposit.

The apartment is mine!
(That was easy.)

Everything else is starting to fall into place now.

Employed!! Yay!

I had been stressing out about my job situation for over a year. Each week I worried about not having enough money to cover our family's monthly expenses, worried that I might never get a job, worried that I might be stuck living with D forever.

On top of that, I knew all the worrying was bad for me. It was attracting negative shit into my life and keeping me stuck. Worry is a challenge for me. I worry that things aren't working, and I know in my heart that this is a reason why things aren't working. Bad girl.

Two weeks ago, when I was trying not to worry myself into physical illness, the phone rang. A place where I had applied for a job months ago had someone abruptly leave and they needed to fill the position immediately. They had two urgent questions for me:

1. Was I still interested in working for their company? The job is similar to the one I had applied to, only in a different location.

Sure.
I'd lose my unemployment if I turned it down, so I'd say yes to a job cleaning out chicken coops, but sure. The company appeals to me, the office location is across town where I'm hoping to move, and I've got all the qualifications for the job. Sign me up!

and
2. When could I start? Today? First thing tomorrow?
They wanted me asap, or yesterday.

After about two years of looking, I am finally employed full time. Now I can concentrate on relocating. Yay!

Finding Post-PTSD Me

As an advocate for my own mental health, I have prescribed a regular dose of dancing as my therapy.
Yes, dancing.
Square dancing.

Last August I made the shocking realization that I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. Even more surprising to me was learning that emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. It was a gigantic holy crap moment for me.

Since then, I have spent countless hours online, researching my situation and learning how I can get out of my situation and begin healing.

A few months ago I stumbled across the idea that I may have PTSD from both the ongoing abuse and the trauma from The Hell Years a few years ago. I blogged about it when I mused about the probability of having PTSD and clinical evaluation for it at "Do I Have PTSD?" The PsyD who tested me concluded that I didn't have it. Today, now that Hell has cooled off and now that I know better, I disagree with the good doctor. I believe I probably do have PTSD.

It would probably do me a world of good if I treated myself as if I have PTSD, so I can begin to heal the damage deep inside of me from 20+ years of emotional abuse and The Hell Years.

For over a year now, I have been job hunting (some temp-to-hire jobs fell through, so I've been working off and on, but nothing permanent. Yet.)
My plan had been:

1. Get a permanent job.
2. Find an apartment across town
3. Move
4. Reinvent myself
5. Start Living with a capital L.

Last week the plan has had a dramatic change. A square dance followed by a simple comment from the kids made me see that #5 and 4 are the key to me feeling happier overall, which obviously will improve my general outlook on life and my attitude. I know this will lead to my ability to make a better first impression on everyone. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this new attitude shift helps me land a job.

My plan now is:

1. Start Living with a capital L.
2. Re-Discover myself
3. Get a permanent job.
4. Find an apartment across town
5. Move

Ok, the new #1 is a challenge, since I am broker than broke, but I found a way that costs only about $7 a pop, and if I only do it once a month, it's a start.

Here's what changed:

Since my "Do I Have PTSD?" blog post two months ago, I have been pushing myself to do things that make me happy. And allowing myself to do things that make me happy. The thoughts, "D wouldn't want to do that with me," and "I can't have fun without including D," have been completely absent from my mind. Yes, those used to be the limiting thoughts that always kept me home.

• I went to my girlfriend Claire's house for coffee and to catch up on each others' lives. 
• I took the kids out to lunch (using gifted money and a coupon.)
• The kids and I took a day trip to the mountains. 
• We even went to a square dance party (why not?) and had a blast.

For the last year, I've been job hunting and holding my breath. The old #1.

No more.

After so many years living in my little cave - my self-imposed prison - I decided I need to stop waiting for my new life to happen and start living now. Living with a capital L.The new #1 on my to-do list.

(No wonder I'm miserable, right?)

• After having coffee with Claire, I felt renewed. 
• After sushi with the kids I was feeling bright and happy (and really really full. I always eat one plate too many at track sushi bars.) 
• After running up to the mountains for the day I felt like I could finally breathe. 

I was starting to feel good. Hmm, maybe I'm on to something.

At that birthday party I danced my ass off with several partners (I didn't know any of them), and after the second dance the kids said, "Mom, you actually look really happy for once."

That was it. No more waiting. I'm going to start doing things that make me happy, NOW. I like who I am when I'm doing happy things, and it makes the kids happy to see mom happy. It's so simple it's hard to believe I didn't see it before. My old to-do list was backwards.

As much as I can afford to, I'm going to Live now in the way I had envisioned Living in the future, after I leave D. One of the biggest changes I'm making is dancing. I danced when I was growing up (on stage and in ensembles) and miss it more than I realized. Square Dancing is just $7 every Thursday night at the VFW. I'm going. It's a form of therapy I can afford (I still don't have health insurance, despite Obamacare) and I know it'll help me recover from my depression, low self esteem, abuse... and "P-PTSD." (Probable PTSD)


Today while researching PTSD so I can learn more about how to heal from PTSD on my own, I read several eye-opening posts on Michele Rosenthal's blog Heal My PTSD, and these two grabbed my complete attention:

Who Am I Outside of PTSD?
More PTSD Joy or The Night I Realized I Wanted to Learn to Partner Dance

Huh.
Looks like I'm on the right track.
Feels good to find this kind of validation for what I've just started to figure out on my own.
Thank you, Michele! ♥

The icing on the cake appeared on the homepage of Surviving a Narcissist, where Lisa E. Scott writes about healing,

 We must lighten up, relax and go easy on ourselves. Many of us find it easy to have compassion for others, but have very little for ourselves. It never occurs to us to feel it for ourselves. Living life with an unconditional love for ourselves changes everything...

By learning from the moments in life, we become more compassionate and can aspire to live in the now. We can relax and open our heart and mind to what is right in front of us in the moment. We see, feel and experience everything more vividly. This is living. Now is the time to experience enlightenment. Not some time in the future. Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates our future.

Her last sentence popped out at me in big bold neon letters, and it's stuck in my head.

Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates our future.

Yep. Treat myself as if I do have PTSD, enjoy life, get out of the cave, find things I want to do or be when I'm a happy single girl... and dance. And do it now to build my future.
(And it'll probably help tremendously with the job hunt.)

PS: For some reason, this blog post was really hard to write. I feel it's disjointed and hard to follow, but that's how my head feels today. Scattered. Hard to keep the flow of my thoughts together. Flighty. Over-caffeinated. Edgy. Almost low seratonin-y, like years ago before I started on Prozac. (And I have to completely revise my resume tonight for a really great job posting that just came up! Sheesh; wish me luck.) If it's hard to read and follow, I'm sorry. I don't usually write on days I feel like this, and after 2 hours of working on this, what you see is the best I can do. Bleh.

Recharged

I got to see B on Sunday.

We hung out, laughed, explored a vein of mountain roads (two dead ends, a washed out road, and high altitude snow made us turn around from all attempts to get over a particular mountain) and spent the day catching up with each other while we explored. B asked about my new job, asked about my scar and how it's feeling these days, and he not only asked about my life but was interested in what I had to say. It was such a nice change to have a normal conversation.

We also spent some quality time in each others' arms.

I needed that. Of course I'd like more touch more often, but B's hugs and kisses and everything filled the deep void for a few hours. B recharged my soul again.

Deep breath. Now I can face another month of isolation at home.

Accomplishments du Jour

I got a lot done today.

I started my morning coffee by packing up two boxes of books and squirreling them away in my bedroom. Then it warmed up enough to work outside, so ta-dah! The shed out back is completely cleaned out and I have started moving my packed boxes into it. I cleaned the deck and packed up all the outside stuff I'm keeping. (One wind chime, one fossil  - I'm a rock picker - and one flowerpot.) Then I cleaned the back porch and started packing up stuff I'm taking from there. I didn't pack a lot, which is good. I don't want a lot of clutter in my new place. Four loads of laundry are done and put away. A week worth of work clothes are set out for my daughter to critique and re-plan for me. As always. (I value her opinion on how to de-frump some of my tired clothing combos.)

Whew!
I'm exhausted.

First day of the new job tomorrow. I'm excited about working again and a little sad I won't have as much free time. But it's good. One step closer to getting out of here.

Today D ignored me most of the day. When he surfaced, he was pleasant until he decided to blame me for a non-problem caused by his inaction. Irritating. Grr.
He had some clothes sitting in the laundry sink for at least a week, I'd guess closer to two weeks. The laundry machine drains directly into the sink, so D's clothes were constantly wet, and starting to mildew. Today when I cleaned the porch, I threw the rug into the washer. When I was working outside, D brought the rug outside and hung it on the clothesline. Then he said, "You have crap in the sink."
"It's your crap. Those are your clothes."
"No!" he snapped. "Your crap is in the sink. You need to clean it!"
"What crap?"
"From your rug."
Of course, pine needles washed out of the rug (from the Xmas tree that I asked him to take out on Dec 26 and finally made it out the door by Feb 1st) and into the laundry sink.
Since the clothes were in there, the sink didn't drain as quickly as it filled, so there is a little line of crud about 2/3 up the sides of the sink. It's not a lot, but there's some crud. It'll rinse out with the next load of laundry or someone could pour a cup of water over it to rinse it down the drain. There wouldn't be any crud in the sink if his clothes hadn't been sitting in there for the past week or more.
But of course now it's my mess and I have to clean it up asap or else.
Whatever...

Off to bed!

PS: D doesn't know I'm working tomorrow. After telling him, "I'm leaving now for an interview," and hearing him respond with, "Oh," or "Pick up supper on your way home," (how about telling me good luck?? or asking about it when I get home??) I decided to not bother keeping him in the loop with my job hunting activities. I haven't told him about the new job. It's within walking distance from home, so my car will be parked at home all day and he probably won't even notice I'm not around. His loss.

PPS: D has been talking about applying for a job in a town 2 hours away but isn't sure about the distance. He did that before, about 8 years ago and it was tough. We did it, but it was a challenge. I encouraged him to apply for it if the job seems interesting. The town is great, so no issue there. I'd feel less guilty about leaving him if he had a job he likes instead of staying home living off his fixed-income settlement, which barely covers the rent. I'll put the energy out there that this works for him.

Ok, off to bed this time, for real.

I'm thankful for...

• A check for  $160.03  that arrived in the mail today, out of the blue.
• An unexpected gift of  $225  to the kid who just started their first job yesterday.* The gift will pay for desperately needed work clothes. (And the kid was down to only one pair of jeans in their wardrobe, so we got a pair of jeans today, too.)
• Sunshine and temps in the 60s!
• The heavenly smell in the air from all the spring flowers and tree blossoms. 
• Laundry detergent. It's always a good thing. Clean clothes are very nice to have.
• My bank. Seriously, I love my bank. Yes, I know I'm weird; thank you. The tellers are great guys who are fun to talk to, everyone knows me by name, my banker and loan officer is the same person (and she says hi when she sees me around town) and I always walk out of there with a big grin on my face. I love my bank. (I'm gonna miss those guys when I move way across the city.)
• Phone call with an old high school friend - she's one of those friends where you don't see each other for years and can pick up where you left off when you do reconnect.
• Going out for supper with the kid after a day shopping. 
• Running into a dear old friend at the restaurant. 
• A new-ish friend stopped by my home for the first time today and I gave her the disclaimer "Sorry about the mess," then proceeded to give her the nickel tour. We had a short but fun visit. The kids showed off their new sports gear and we giggled at the really lame jokes spewing from the mouth of my eldest.
• I spent quality time with people I love.
  Today felt normal and happy and absolutely perfect. 
• Coffee. I love my coffee. I'm always thankful for a well made cup of coffee.

 -----------------------------------------

Hmm.
It's interesting...
Every day I give thanks for having cash in my purse or having enough money to get by. (Hey, if I have a penny in my purse, I have cash in my purse, so I honestly believe it when I say "I have cash in my purse.")

Our household finances are scraping the bottom of the barrel and we're literally digging coins out of the couch to pump maybe a gallon of gas in the car. The cupboards are bare. We suddenly have an urgent need for money (mandatory work clothes) on top of being low on toilet paper and out of milk. It's another 9 days of holding our breath until D's payday.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, money appears. Our needs are met.

BTW, the $160.03 was the return of a deposit (plus interest) that I paid 5 years ago for something. I had forgotten all about it.

-----------------------------------------

*Working kid was told, "Sorry, you can't wear jeans to work. And you'll need specific other clothes when you come in for your next shift." Ack! We have no money until the first of the month, and the cupboards are already bare. How are we going to buy the clothes? I posted some furniture for sale on Craigslist yesterday, and Thank God the gift and check arrived today because nobody called about my Craigslist ad.

Sorry I'm being cryptic about which kid/gender and what kind of job. Staying under D's radar...