Recharged

I got to see B on Sunday.

We hung out, laughed, explored a vein of mountain roads (two dead ends, a washed out road, and high altitude snow made us turn around from all attempts to get over a particular mountain) and spent the day catching up with each other while we explored. B asked about my new job, asked about my scar and how it's feeling these days, and he not only asked about my life but was interested in what I had to say. It was such a nice change to have a normal conversation.

We also spent some quality time in each others' arms.

I needed that. Of course I'd like more touch more often, but B's hugs and kisses and everything filled the deep void for a few hours. B recharged my soul again.

Deep breath. Now I can face another month of isolation at home.

Emotional Abuse & Extramarital Affairs

I'm lucky.

I'm in a common (unfortunately) situation where I'm the victim of emotional abuse.

I'm in the more and more common situation where I'm having an extramarital affair (or two, or five.)

I'm in a very uncommon situation (I would guess) where I'm involved in both abuse and affairs at the same time.

My affairs keep me sane. My relationships help me to feel grounded and real.
The intimate contact helps me to fill the void from D's emotional abandonment of me.

I'm lucky because part of D's abuse is ignoring me for days on end, spending all of his time in the garage. I've gone days without seeing him. On days when I decide to take a drive out of the city to go to the lake or wander aimlessly around the mall for hours, or take my computer to a coffeehouse until well after midnight, he doesn't ask where I've been. No texts, no calls, nothing.

I go for weeks without another human physically touching me. Not even a clerk touching my hand as she gives me my change and receipt. Not even as strangers brushing shoulders as we pass on the sidewalk. It hurts my heart to go for so long without any contact.

I try to see the bright side to being ignored at this level: I have a LOT of free time at home. Sometimes I follow my usual patterns of going to the lake, mall, or coffeehouse, but I meet up with one of my beaus for some quality social time instead.

Like I said, I'm lucky.