PA & NPD Traits: Inefficient on purpose & being told "No" is a personal attack

PA Trait: Being inefficient on purpose, contradictory and inconsistent behavior, performing in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.

NPD Trait: Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack

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Our current home has no dishwasher. When we moved in, D started using the sink strainer when he washes dishes.

From the beginning, I asked him to take it out of the sink when he's done, because it always re-seats in the drain. Sometimes he removes it from the sink; other times he leaves it in the sink. Either way, when he finishes the dishes, he then rounds up more dirty dishes and places them in the sink, covering up the strainer. When the strainer is in there, the weight of the dishes pushes the strainer down, blocking the sink drain. By the time I realize the sink is stopped up, it has started to fill with dirty water and I have to fish my hand around in the dirty water (sometimes navigating sharp knives) to pull the strainer out. I hate this. I don't have a problem with getting my hands dirty, but if I'm in the middle of cooking, unstopping the sink requires I stop what I'm doing, unstop the sink, wash my hands, then proceed with what I was doing. Other times, there are sharp knives lurking in the dirty water. Regardless, I have asked him nicely for the last two years, and he still shrugs and says,
"I forgot."

On Monday, he did the dishes, left the strainer in the sink, put a cutting board over it, stacked dirty dishes on top (raw chicken, grease, who knows what else) and walked away. By the time Kid#1 and I had washed our hands and set up the coffee maker for the morning, we realized the sink was stopped up again.

Oh, look. The sink is full of water again. Hooray.
I was exhausted that night, and called D over to pull the strainer out so the sink would drain. He caused the sink to fill, he can cause it to empty.

He gave me a look from hell, then walked over to the sink, pulled the drain, threw the strainer on the counter, and dried his dirty hands on the kitchen towel. As he walked out of the kitchen, he reached over to where Kid#1 was making their supper, and D tried to take some of their food with his dirty hands. Kid#1 yelled at him and told him not to touch anything because his hands are dirty.

Yep - He gave his own kid the same look from hell, shrugged, and walked off in a big huff.

I'm not only irritated about the strainer and his attitude, but the dirty hands thing makes me even madder. He has a culinary arts degree. He is food safety certified. He's worked with clean kitchen environments and food sanitation for decades, so he knows better. I also have food safety training and know that he contaminated the kitchen towel, giving us all the chance to get salmonella poisoning. In the past, I have seen him dirty the towel the same way, then try drying clean dishes on it (contamination risk!) I called him on it. He gave me a dirty look and stormed off those times, too.

He knows better, but he does it anyway.

Wanted: Gentle Reassuring Hug

Last night I got a text from my brother. He took Gram to the ER and they admitted her to the hospital. 

Gram and I are very close. She was my babysitter when I was little, and was always involved in my life. I'm lost without her.

And now she's very sick and I don't know what to do. She lives two hours away, so it's not so easy for me to hop up there to be with her. My brother is there, and she's having tests and procedures and more tests. She doesn't want me to visit because she's too busy with doctors. She knows I've got a job interview tomorrow, anyway. Ok, fine. But I want to be there. Maybe I can hit the road tomorrow after the interview.

This morning, I was moping around the house when my brother called with an update. She was moved to the ICU overnight but is stable, but they'll probably keep her another day because they don't know what's wrong yet. Considering my lengthy hospital experiences, I'm guessing day one was to stabilize the problem, day two will be to run tests & wait for results, day three will be trying to fix the problem, then day four is observation. I'm not complaining. I'd rather have her home healthy, rather than kicked out too early with potential problems.

I'm still worried about her. Actually, I'm almost in a panic over this.

After I got off the phone with my brother, D asked if I'm ok.

"No," I quietly said. "Gram's in the ICU."
"Oh," he replied. "Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
"Yeah. Make whatever."

He made me bacon and eggs, then left me alone for the rest of the day.

I wish he'd ask what's wrong, if I've had an update, how's she doing, do I want to see her, etc.

It's too much to expect a reassuring hug from him.

It physically hurts my heart to sit here and know if I ask for a hug or any sign he cares, he'll make me beg for it, then walk away when I get upset. I'm not playing his game. It hurts either way. 

Either he doesn't know how to care about someone else's problems or doesn't want to be bothered with them. He is incapable of showing he gives a flying rat's ass. It's inhuman, in my humble opinion.

Narcissistic Traits: Sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment

One of the traits of a Narcissistic person is a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment.

Back in my post about Narcissistic Personality Traits, I pointed out that one characteristic is expecting special treatment, and D most certainly has it. In fact, this is something the kids and I see (and hate) almost daily.

☑  Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

Here's an example of something that has happened so often I practically expect it.

I have a cup of tea every night just before bedtime. Everyone in the house knows this.

Tonight, as often happens, my tea was rudely hijacked.


A little while ago I put cold water in the tea kettle, set it on the stove to boil, then put a teabag in my cup. I left my cup on the stove next to the teakettle, and went to talk to the kids in the dining room as I waited for the water to boil.

D was doing stuff in the kitchen, then went back into the garage.

We have a whistling teapot, and I only boil enough water for myself, so it usually whistles in about 4 minutes.

After 10 minutes, I realized the kettle hadn't whistled.

I walked into the kitchen to see the stove off, the kettle spout flipped open, and my cup sitting next to it with only a dry teabag in it.

The kettle was empty.
Where the hell is my hot water?

Apparently, D pulled it off the stove just as it started to boil, made himself a cup of tea, and left.

WTF?

I'd like to stop and comment here that normal people, if they make this mistake once or even twice, and it's kindly pointed out to them, will most likely never make this innocent mistake again.

This has been nicely brought to D's attention for the past 10+ years, each time with growing frustration, and he always "forgets" or "didn't know I wanted the boiling water."

Again - WTF?

Let me ask you - why on earth would I start water to boil with my cup and teabag on the stove if I didn't want the stupid water??
Ggrrrrr!! 

You know, I used to keep quiet when this shit happens and figured I'd just shut up and put up to keep peace in the family.

Those days are over. I'm done with the put up and shut up attitude.

I'm so pissed off right now I can feel my heart pounding.

Why am I letting myself get so worked up over this, I wonder?
I know why. Of course, I know why.

Because I'm leaving. He runs hot and cold. Pleasant then cruel. There's enough pleasant to make me forget how awful the cruel is, which is one of the reasons it's so stinkin' hard to leave. I notice myself now subconsciously getting upset about all the little tricks he pulls, I call him on his shit, I yell at him when he disrespects me or the kids, and I question his inane tactics to "punish" me (like when he threw the expensive bath towels in the trash.)

I never used to do this. I stayed quiet, picked up the pieces (which sometimes included soothing a hurt child's feelings,) internalized my anger, and let him continue walking all over us.

I'm engaging in a disruptive scene when he acts up. I'm letting him passively pick a fight.

I'm giving myself reason to leave.
I'm doing this to relieve my own guilt for wanting to leave.
I'm doing this so I can justify why I left after I'm gone.

I'm doing this to save myself.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue, 10 minutes after this was originally posted:
After writing this post and calming myself down, I walked into the garage to confront him about the tea.
There he was, asleep on his (smelly) couch, with a full cup of still-warm tea sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Yes. It's just a frickin' cup of tea. It's just a cup of tea.
But it's constant, and a small example of what he does ALL THE TIME.
ALL THE TIME.

Unless you have lived in this kind of situation, you'll never fully understand why I consider this abuse.

I'd say in terms of abuse, it's comparable to Chinese Water Torture.

...Justified?

Recently, D and I sat on the couch together with our morning coffee, watching the morning news. (A rare event that we're doing the same thing in the same room.)

This was the morning that the news story broke about a high school student who killed a classmate after she turned him down as a prom date. Horrible news.

D turned to me and said, "Well if she was a bitch to him..."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"If she was a bitch about it when he asked..."

"Are you saying that the murder might be justified?"

"I'm just saying that maybe she was a bitch."

"D, there is no justification for him to murder her, no matter how she may or may not have behaved when he asked her to go to prom with him."

D shrugged. "I'm just saying, maybe she was a bitch..."

This scares the daylights out of me, knowing that he feels like the boy's behavior is justified when a girl doesn't treat him the way he wants.

I personally don't know the backstory of the interactions of these two people involved. I feel badly for the girl and her family and friends, and feel sad for the boy's mother. Regardless of what happened before she was stabbed to death, that still doesn't make it right. Murder is not what you do when you feel insulted or slighted by someone.

But apparently D thinks this kind of punishment is ok.

I feel justified in my fear of D.

NPD Traits: Hypersensitive to insults (real or imagined) & being told "No" is a personal attack

 ☑   Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation.
☑  Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack

The silverware argument: 

Me - Hey, when you wash the dishes, I know you sometimes like to fill up the sink and soak stuff overnight, and I end up draining the sink and washing it in the morning. Would you mind leaving the sharp knives out of the sink when you do that, please? I don't like fishing my hand around to pull up the plug when I can't see where the knives are.

D - Fine. I'll stop washing the dishes. You can do them all from now on.

And he stopped washing the dishes.
For a long, long time.

Crazymaking: Ping-Pong Arguments

A while ago, I mentioned that D has shown me every one of the classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits.

Recently I described D's PA and NPD traits like small pictures that make up a mosaic of a larger, different picture. Each little thing D has done is one of the little pictures in the mosaic, and until I put it all together I wasn't able to see the big picture of what's going on. Neither were any of my counselors.

Now I see it.
Of course I don't like it, but I see it.

There is one trait that's not specifically included in either list of personality traits, but they are still a form of sociopathic "Crazymaking." I call them "Ping-Pong Arguments."

D is a pro when it comes to Ping-Pong Arguments. If I serve up a negative comment, he volleys it right back to me, whether it makes sense or not.

Here are a few examples that stick out in my mind. On their own, they just look like maybe he's having a bad day, but this is a constant, every day interaction.

(No that's not true; most days he doesn't interact with me at all. On the days he does choose to grace me with his presence, this is how just about every conversation goes.)

(I still get annoyed when I think about this.)

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The towel argument:
Me - Puh-leese pick up your wet towels from the floor. I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of picking them up for you. If they stay on the floor they'll start to stink.
D - I forgot.
Me - I'm tired of that excuse. I installed hooks on the wall right above where drop them on the floor. You could hang it on the hook but instead you choose to drop it on the floor. You're not forgetting. Are you lazy, or a slob or something?
D - You're a lazy slob!! (and he throws the towel on the floor and storms out of the room, disappearing from my life for a few days)

and:

The laundry basket argument:
The laundry machines are in the garage. On laundry days, I'll bring in baskets of clean clothes, fold them in the dining room, put the clothes away, then stack the baskets by the garage door to go out next time I head out there. Many times, at the end of the day, there is a stack of 4 or 5 empty baskets by the garage door. D could take them out, since he usually goes out there empty handed, and has to walk past the laundry area on his way to the man cave.

Me - I noticed you walked past the laundry baskets on your way to the garage all weekend and all day today. Would you please take them out with you and put them in the laundry area next time you head out that way?
D gives me a blank stare.
A few hours later...
Me - You've gone past the baskets twice since I asked you to take them out. Would you please do it on your way out this time?
D glares at me.
A few hours later...
Me - I notice you stepping over the baskets to get out to the garage. Will you please help out by taking the baskets with you?
D - Why don't you take them with you to the garage?
Me - I'm done with laundry and won't be going out there for a few days. You can take them.
D - You can take them, too! (and he storms off empty-handed, slamming the garage door so hard the baskets rattle) 

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General ping pong argument enders:

Me - I'm tired of having this discussion every week and nothing changes. I feel like you don't really care about working things out.
D - You don't care!

or

(D has a habit of shutting his phone off and leaving it in his desk drawer when I'm out of the house. He does this more often on days when I'm running errands or working on a family project and might actually need to get in touch with him. I have my phone on me 24/7, and usually reply to calls and texts within an hour, if not sooner. )

Me - I'm sorry you didn't know about the change in plans. I tried to contact you several times today, but you didn't answer your phone or call me back.
D - You never answer your phone, either!

and the classic:

Me - I'm done. I can't talk about this any more with you.
D - No, you!

(I don't even know what this means, but he's yelled this kind of nonsense at me so many times I've stopped trying to make sense of it)

------------------------

There are other stories that relate to this, but they unfortunately ended up with his passive aggressive method of punishing me for wronging him. One pisses me off every time I think about it to the point where I find that I'm grinding my teeth. The other story upsets me so much that if I think about it I spend the rest of the day crying. I'll get into those stories another time. I'm not in the mood to get myself that worked up right now.

NPD trait: Lack of Empathy

So earlier I mentioned that D has shown me every one of the classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits.

More recently I described these traits like small pictures that make up a mosaic of a larger, different picture. Each little thing D has done is one of the little pictures and until I put it all together I wasn't able to see the big picture of what's going on. Neither were any of my counselors. Now I see it. I don't like it, but I see it.

Several of the little pictures that make up the big picture involve D's complete absence of empathy.

☑  Lacks empathy - sees no wrong in personally attacking others, or completely ignoring you
☑  Disregards the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy.
☑  Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.

Here are a few examples that stick out in my mind. They're still painful to think about.

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1998 or so - My right foot started swelling and it hurt between my toes. It hurt to walk. Within a day or two, I discovered an open sore between my toes where it hurt so much. By now my foot was so swollen that I couldn't put my shoes on. I called the Dr about it and was told to go to Urgent Care. Driving hurt and I was scared, so I asked D to drive me to the doctor.

"Ok, but I'm making dinner right now. Can we go when dinner is over?" he asked.
"Fine."

I went to sit down and didn't see D crack open a beer and start drinking as he cooked. By the time dinner was over, he was on his 3rd beer.
"Doctor? Foot? Urgent care?" I asked.
"Oh, I forgot. I've been drinking. I can't drive now. You're going to have to drive yourself."

Fast forward - I have a weird, aggressive bacterial infection and the doctor put me on a series of antibiotics. My foot hurts so badly I can't walk at all. I have to crawl on my hands and knees to get to and from the bathroom. Even that hurts, and I cry all the time from the pain. I'm off work until I can walk again.

D watches me crawl, he watches me cry, and gets upset when I don't take care of the kids or make dinner. I suffer through weeks of pain, several types of antibiotics, pain pills, ace bandages around my foot, several doctor appointments, and D unwilling to help me at home. No help hobbling to the bathroom, no comforting me when I'm crying from pain, no extra help with the kids (aged 3-5.) He's busy watching tv. Or sleeping.

Years later I asked, "Why didn't you help me back then?"
"Oh. I thought you were crawling around on the floor for attention."

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2002 - We bought a new car. A week later, the kids and I were driving home from the library when a truck blew a red light and rammed into us. The truck was totaled, and amazingly our car was drivable. Totally munched in on the passenger side, but I could drive it home. The guy in the truck walked away from the accident and the kids and I were shook up but otherwise fine. I didn't have a cell phone at that time, so couldn't call D to tell him about the crash.

When we got home, I parked the car in my usual spot, which meant the damaged side was visible from the front door. As I pulled up, D happened to step out the front door. He took one look at the damage and said, "Do you have a place that can fix that fast?"
"Yeah, I figured I'd ask our insurance when I call in the claim."
"Ok. As long as it's done by next week."
(We were planning to go out of town next week.)
As I started to tell him the kids and I were ok, he turned and walked into the house.
I stood there with my mouth hanging open, trying to process the abrupt end to our conversation.

An hour later he and the kids and I had dinner, sitting around the kitchen table all normal, like it was just another ordinary day.

He never did ask if any of us were ok. It's been 12 years, and he never asked, not even once.

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2004 to 2012 - My back hurt. Each year it got worse and worse. Over the course of 8 years, I tried massage, yoga, acupuncture, chiropractic, physical therapy, and finally an MRI showed that I had a bulging disc in my back putting pressure on a nerve. I was feeling nerve pain.
This is about when our family had the accident. My back, while it still hurt like hell, had to wait for everyone to recover from their injuries, especially D, who had life-threatening injuries and needed round the clock care. From me.

Finally it was my turn to take care of myself again, so I tried nerve block injections and ended up on a steady diet of pain meds so I could function somewhat until I could have surgery to fix the problem. By the time surgery rolled around, I was in chronic pain, my physical range of motion was limited, and my lifestyle had shrunk to getting out of bed, dragging myself to work, dragging myself home, and collapsing from the exhaustion of trying to live another day through the awful pain. I was depressed from the chronic pain. I couldn't sleep. It sucked. It really sucked.

I scheduled my surgery and took D with me to the pre-op appointment so he was in the loop about what to expect. As we left the appointment, D asked me, "How far are you going with this?"
"How far am I going with what?"
"I get it. You're acting hurt. You got my attention. You can stop it now."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're pretending to be hurt for attention from me. Or you're trying to get out of doing stuff. I get it. So when are you going to cancel the surgery?"

After I had my fit and calmed down a little, he said, "Oh, I didn't think you were actually in pain all these years. I thought you were just lazy."

Surgery day. They fixed the problem but I had some permanent nerve damage in one of my hands that my body may or may not be able to recover. Nerve recovery is an amazing thing. I never knew the body could reroute nerve pathways to reconnect damaged connections. Anyway, I had some paralysis from the damage. My attitude was: I'm no longer in pain, so I'll learn to live with the paralysis. It was a trade-off I was happy to make, and the only frustrating part was forgetting that I had some limitations with my movement. I'd pick up something with my bad hand, forgetting that it couldn't squeeze shut, and I'd drop stuff. I dropped stuff all the time.

One day, about 2 or 3 weeks after my surgery, I asked D if he would help carry some groceries in from the car for me.
"Why?" he asked. He was busy on Facebook and didn't want to be bothered.
"Because I can't hold the bags with my bad hand," I explained.
"What? What bad hand?"
"The paralyzed one. My gimpy hand. You know, from surgery."
"Are you serious?"
"Serious about what?"
"Your hand."
"What on earth are you talking about?" I asked.
"Your hand is really paralyzed from surgery?"
I stared at him. "You were with me when the doctor said it is paralyzed from nerve damage and might not recover," I said slowly. "I drop stuff all the time. I can't turn on sink faucets with that hand. Showering is a challenge. Doing my hair is nearly impossible. You know my hand is paralyzed, so I don't know what you're asking about."
"Oh, I thought you were faking all that stuff," he answered.

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2012 to now - D spends the majority of his time out in the attached garage, watching tv, surfing the internet, napping. It's his man cave. The way our house is laid out, he has to walk past the dining room and living room to get to the bathroom. The living room tv is right next to the door to the garage, so if I'm watching tv, he and look right at each other when he comes in the house.

If I'm watching tv and he comes in to go to the bathroom, he does not make eye contact. He walks right past me as if I'm not there. There is never a response from him if I say hello or good morning or what would you like for lunch or anything. I don't exist. If I happen to me in his path from the garage to bathroom, he pushes me out of his way as if I'm a door.

But no eye contact, mind you. Or words. Just a push. Sometimes he even knocks me off balance and I almost land on my butt.

This is the only time he touches me: when I'm in his way.

Watching that image above makes my heart hurt. That's exactly what he does to me.

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Last week - I went with him to his doctor appointment and while we were waiting for his doctor to come into the exam room, I started to have an anxiety attack. Chest pains, couldn't catch my breath. I knew what it was, because I've been having them so often lately, but D is rarely around me (despite both of us being in the house all day, every day) so he didn't know what was going on.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Having trouble getting air," I gasped as I leaned forward and tried to yawn to get a big breath of air deeper into my lungs.
"Oh,"  he said and went back to playing solitaire on his phone.
I stood up and started taking slow deep breaths to try to get more air.
"What are you doing now?"
"Trying to breathe. I can't breathe."
"Oh," he said again.
He went back to his game.






The more I watch the image (above) of the tennis ass pushing aside the judge, the more pissed off I become.
It really hits a nerve.

Companys A, B, C... and the interaction with D

Week two of the new job.

Tonight, D saw my work ID badge in the dish by the front door, picked it up, and held it out to me.
"Yours?"

My name and picture are on it.
"Yes," I replied.

"Oh," he said as he returned it to the dish, then went back into the garage.

About 10 minutes later, it dawned on me.
I work for Familiar Company A, a resource company who leases employees to other companies. My job is an assignment to a contract position in Unknown Little Company B's offices. Company B leases office space from Gigantic Conglomerate Company C.

Company A writes my paycheck. I am Company A's employee.

My work badge is for Company C, since it's a key card.

I chuckled as I realized that D thinks I got a coveted job with Company C.
Big, grand Company C with the fabulous benefits package.
Gigantic world-recognized Company C where getting any job there means beating out tough competition.

I'm not gonna correct him. He has never asked about the job, never congratulated me on getting the job, never said squat about the job, I'm not going to bring up the conversation since he clearly doesn't care. Why bring on the aggravation to myself, behaving as if he cares only to be deeply disappointed when he proves he doesn't care?

Let him think I work for Company C.
Then when I don't get the well known fabulous benefit package offered by Company C, I'll just let him think I didn't sign him up for the fabulous benefits. He probably won't even ask.

I used to think withholding this kind of information was wrong, and would have never purposely misled D, but at this point I can see that he really doesn't give a shit. Chasing after him to make sure he understands I work for Company A, not C, and explaining the whole situation, then encouraging him to show he cares and being hurt when he pokerfaces me... I'm not playing that game any more.

I'm done.
Game over.

Today's unique blend of abuse: The Girls' Day Situation

Imagine the periodic table of elements. Everything on the planet is made up of differing combinations of items in this table.

 

D is the same way. Every event and interaction with him is a blend of NPD & PA characteristics. 

I'd love to see a Periodic Table of personality disorder Elements, with examples of behavioral blends.

There are other periodic tables, see?

The Elements of a Super Hero

from comicsalliance.com

And Harry Potter

from www.huffingtonpost.com

Always useful, in my humble opinion - Swearing...

from deathtotheworld.com

 Boozing. Or as I prefer to call it: Cocktails.

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

I love bacon. It's fitting that it is the first element in the Periodic Table of Meat.

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

 And the a classic - The Muppets:

from www.commonsenseevaluation.com

Ok. That said, I need a Periodic Table of Psycopathic Elements, since the situation below is a combination of the following:

PA: Acting sullen, easily offended, feeling unappreciated, criticizing, feeling resentment, stubbornness, doing things to punish others when they feel wronged (giving me the silent treatment.)

and NPD: disregards the feelings of others, being told "No" comes off as a personal attack, has few friends, constant need for attention, has a sense of entitlement and that others with automatically go along with what he wants.

On top of that, if he had gone with me to Claire's house, he would have sat on the couch, sulking about being ignored, complaining about being bored, and asking when we could leave. The longer I stayed, the more he would act like an unruly child so I'd be compelled to cut my visit short - partly to get him to stop acting out and partly leaving early out of embarrassment.

I know this from experience.

Here's what happened.
The girl's day situation, 10am:
Me - I'm leaving in an hour to go have lunch at Claire's house. I'll be back in time for supper.
D - Why?
Me - Because you know how we talk. I never get out of there in less than 3 hours.
D - No, I mean why do you have to go at all?
Me - Because she's my friend.

D glares at me.

11am.
Me - I'm leaving for Claire's now. See you in a few hours.
D - I want to go.
Me - No, it's just going to be me and Claire.
D - Why?
Me - Because we're going to be doing girl talk, that's why.
D - I can still be there. You guys can talk.
Me - No. Look. She invited me, not us. I'm going over there alone. Plus, she's still upset about Ed's diagnosis, and she needs to vent and cry and I want to be there for her. It's not the right time for you to join us.
D - You're hiding something. I'm going with you.
Me - Oh for crying out loud. No. I'm leaving now.

I grab my keys and walk out.
D storms off to the garage to sulk for a few days.

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In retrospect, since his response is usually passive and he shuts me out for several days when I offend him like this, I have been making a point to speak up and/or not play into his games - not just to stop the crazy at home, but primarily so he'll leave me alone. I'm much more at peace when he removes himself from my life, and his absences give me uninterrupted time and space to sort through everything in the house and pack up my personal belongings. 

It also helps me to emotionally separate from wanting things to work out between us. I gave it 20 years. If it can't be fixed in that time, it's not gonna be fixed in my lifetime. It also eliminates any chance of having the occasional good day with him, which always makes me question my plans to leave. This is hard. I love him on the good days, but they're so rare and fragile, that they never last. When we have good days, I think maybe we can work it out, maybe I can help him change, maybe he'll come around... When we have good days I feel super guilty about my plans to abandon him. His mother was forced to abandon him twice (long stories - medical reasons - she had no choice.) He doesn't have enough income to live on his own. He has physical scars and problems from the accident and I don't want him to think I'm leaving him because of that.

Ugh. I don't care what he thinks of me. I have my reasons for leaving. He can't be saved, but I can - if I suck it up and be strong and get out before depression swallows me whole. 

This duality of wanting to get out but wanting the old D back is depressing and gives me chest pains and anxiety. It's a weird combination of feelings that don't mix well, but there they are - all mixed together and hurting my soul.

Maybe someone could also design a Periodic Table of the Elements of Surviving Abuse.

Narcissistic Personality Traits

When I finally discovered there is such a thing as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I mentally checked off each trait that I had seen in D. Aha! I'm not crazy or overreacting or oversensitive... or being a bitch.

It was eye opening and subsequently, life changing.

I wrote a long post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits to accompany the post about Passive Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality (PA) traits, and checked off which traits D exhibits. I checked all but one box.
I'm repeating the list below.

The underlined traits in the list below are links to stories about how D has demonstrated that trait. As things happen, or as I remember things, I'll add them to the stories.

I'm doing this for two reasons:

1. I'd like to put all the evidence of our dysfunctional relationship in one place.
2. As I learn about this, I'm finding a lot of help and validation from others who have been in my shoes - some have had a shorter relationship, some have had a more extreme relationship. Regardless, their stories helped me to see that what was "normal" for my household is not normal, healthy behavior. Maybe my stories will help someone else realize what's going on so they can get also help or get out.

 Disclaimer: D has not been clinically tested, and probably never will be, so I can't actually say he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All I can do is recognize that he tends to have these characteristics, and proceed with the rest of my life with that in mind. So many little quirks of his personality match  the characteristics of this disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Traits

Disregards the feelings of others, and haslittle ability to feel empathy.
Sees no wrong in personally attacking others, or completely ignoring you 
Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack
Is oblivious to his own disorder 
Treats others as sub-human, but sees it as "they way it should be."
Has few friends.
Is asocial when no attention from others is available.
A belief that he or she is unique or "special" and should only associate with other people of the same status, and can only be understood by other special people.
A constant need for attention, affirmation and praise. Requires excessive admiration.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

An exaggerated sense of one's own abilities and achievements.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.)
Are self-centered and boastful. Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Feeling envious of others, or believing thatothers are envious of him or her.
Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation.
Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
Are easily hurt but might not show it.
Exploits other people for personal gain. Pursues mainly selfish goals.

Sources:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic119161.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydisorders/a/narcissisticpd.htm

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/neurological_institute/center-for-behavorial-health/disease-conditions/hic-narcissistic-personality-disorder.aspx

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

I just wanted a hug.

This cartoon makes me cry.

image from http://www.robot-hugs.com/nest/

It was this situation that made me realize that something's wrong with D, and that I will never be able to fix it. I realized I wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for years and years and years.

At my home, I was feeling really low and asked him if I could have a hug, but he stood there and laughed at me.

So I started crying and asked again for a hug.
"Nope."

I opened my arms and said "Please?"

He backed away.

I took a step forward.

He backed away some more.

By now I was bawling my eyes out, and with tears streaming down my face, he moved away from me every time I tried to approach him for a hug. When I realized I was literally chasing him through the house in a cruel game of keep away, I stopped.

"Forget it," I spat out as I walked away.

"Aww, come on, I'm kidding! Come here, I'll hug you."

"No."

"Seriously, I'll give you a hug if you really want one that bad."

"Fuck you."

This one hug that I never got marked the beginning of the end.

I just wanted a hug.

Quick update

Here is a list of thoughts and comments:

• Today was day 4 of the new job. I like it. 
• Yesterday I got a phone call from my headhunter. Last month I had put in an application for a big, high-paying (from my perspective) job across the city. They want to interview me in 2 weeks. Yay!! If I get the job I can officially start my apartment search and can finally plan my moving date.
• Only one more week until our food stamps refill with a full month of benefits. Thank God! Beans and rice, Ramen noodles, skipping dinner so the kids can eat (D eats a huge lunch and huge dinner every day)... holding my breath... it's almost over!

Since D didn't say "good luck" or "fuck you" or anything when I've gone out for interviews,  i didn't bother to tell him I was hired for this job. My commute is so short I walk to work instead of drive (love that), so on the first day of work I left me car parked in my spot and walked to the office. When I came home for lunch, he demanded, "Where were you!?"
"I was at the such&such office."
"You never answered my text asking where you are."
"Sorry, I had my phone in my purse all morning. I didn't see it until I walked in the door."
I finished my lunch and walked back to work.
When I got home that night, I was exhausted. Kid#2 was at college and Kid#1 arrived home from their 2nd day at work soon after I got home. D hid out in the garage and Kid#1 and I were on our own to figure out dinner. We settled for Ramen noodles, Kid#1 had a little tiff in the kitchen with D, then Kid and I hauled ourselves off to bed.

The next day, Kid #1 mentioned to D that I was at work. D has never told me congratulations on the job, never asked how much I get paid, never asked about benefits, never asked what I do, nothing. I work in an unusual kind of office, and he has never even commented or asked about that. Normally I'd be very hurt that he shows zero interest in any of this, but I have finally come to expect it. I hate it, but if I expect it, then I'm less hurt and disappointed. I'm so tired of heartbreak and crying over this kind of shit.

Each day after work, except for the inedible spicy beans he cooked on Tuesday, he has ignored me and whatever kid(s) are home that night. We are on our own to figure out and cook dinner. D is home all day; I would think if he was interested in taking care of his family, he'd spend time with us when we're home, and perhaps help with meal prep at dinnertime. 

The previous paragraph could actually describe practically every night at home for the last two years. 

He does not participate in family activities, rarely joins us in family meals, and when he cooks dinner (remember, he is a former restaurant cook) it is frequently inedible. He graces us with his appearance long enough to scowl, mooch, or demand my presence - all of which always immediately precede his swift retreat to the garage.

I translate that as, "I'm mad at you, I'm taking whatever you have (usually food or cash) for my own use, and making sure you witness me ignoring you."

The pain of ostracism

In my experience, it causes deep physical pain, as well.

When D walks past me without looking at me, talking to me, or touching me, it physically hurts. I ache deep in my core with chest pain and knots in my stomach. I notice this especially when he doesn't touch me.

When D is near me and doesn't touch me, it hurts as if he punched me in the stomach. I have even found myself doubling over in pain. When I made the mistake of reaching to touch him on the arm, he jerked away and glared at me like I'm contagious with God knows what.

Nobody touches me, actually. Not my shoulder, arm, hand, nothing. I have gone for weeks without being touched by another human. It hurts. I mean, it hurts emotionally, but it also hurts physically. I'm lucky when one of the kids hugs me, and I try to hug them daily, but they're in the "don't get to huggy with mom" phase, so I might get a half-assed hug once in a while. But that's it.

This is one of the reasons I started having a few affairs with other men. It's the only time anyone touches me and allows me to continue barely clinging to sanity with my short, soft fingernails. And at least my beaus are happy to touch me instead of begrudgingly making contact or accidentally brushing against me like when a grocery clerk hands me my receipt.

This is too upsetting to write about.
My chest hurts and I'm having trouble breathing when I think too much about this.



Source: ScienceDaily.com discusses the Perdue University Study on Ostracism

NPD trait: Envy

One of the traits of a NPD is envy.

Back in my post about Narcissistic Personality Traits, I pointed out that one characteristic is envy, and D most certainly has it.

☑  Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of him or her.

When we first met, we were working entry level jobs. He had just gotten his college degree a couple years earlier, and I had about a year of college under my belt.

When we married, we had no savings, no family money, no investments, no assets. We lived paycheck to paycheck and held our breath to make ends meet. We were still working the exact same entry level jobs when we got married, and he was earning 10¢ an hour more than me. Just 10¢. That came out to a gross difference of $8.00 between his paycheck and mine. (Except I worked a lot of overtime, so my paychecks were usually larger than his.)

I don't remember the circumstance, but I remember what he yelled at me to end the argument. It is one of the most ridiculous things D. has ever said to me:

You only married me for my money!

I'll never forget how pissed he got when I snorted and walked away.
Now I understand.

Subtle NPD traits are still NPD traits

When I started this blog, I listed out all the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits I could find from various websites, and checked off every trait I have seen in D. I checked every box.

While I don't see that he has clearly obvious traits, I see them. Over the years, little things would nag at me and things didn't always add up. Now that I see our abuse patterns at home from the perspective of survivor rather than victim, I can see all those subtle little things he did was narcissistic abuse as well as passive aggressive abuse.

D is very, VERY passive.
Very passive.

We've been in individual counseling over the past few years, me more than him, and I find it interesting that while I mentioned some of the things he has done to my counselors, the topic of abuse never came up. I have seen a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Psychiatric Nurse, and a Licensed Social Worker. They are all very good at what they do and have helped me tremendously, yet nobody saw any red flags that suggested I may be abused at home. I think I understand now why all of this flew under the radar: I wasn't able to show them the whole picture, just random little pictures.

Here's the best example I can think of:
Each little thing D does is represented by one of these little pictures.

There isn't a lot in common from one picture to the next. It's just a random collection of pictures. Just like D has a random collection of behaviors around me.

If you step back (or zoom out) a little, you can see there might be a little bit of a pattern going on, but then again, maybe not. It's still a random collection of pictures.

Stepping back a little more and seeing a lot more pictures - or noting a lot more of the little things that D does around me or towards me - makes it clear that there is something else going on besides just random pictures. The little pictures make up a bigger picture.

But if you step all the way back and consider all of the pictures - or all the things D has done - whoa, that's not little pictures but a big obvious picture of one very specific image. You don't see it up close with just a handful of the little pictures.

I've been reading a LOT about NPD and PA, both online and in books, and from what I've learned, some people exhibiting NPD traits are clearly obvious from the first little incident. Kind of like this mosaic of Marilyn Monroe. The big picture of Marilyn is made up of little pictures of Marilyn.

D is subtle. He's random pictures. But his random pictures create a pretty clear big picture that nobody else has been able to see... until I finally saw it last summer. Took me 20+ years, but I see it now, and I will never be able to un-see it.

Picture Mosaics from http://www.picturemosaics.com/ and http://fineartamerica.com/

Coffee Break in the Shit Room

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

This was my life with D.

Most of the time I've been doing a headstand waist deep in shit, but now and then I was allowed a little coffee break where life felt almost normal.

When outsiders open the door and take a peek into our lives together, D is careful to show them the coffee break. He's so charming and delightful. People tell us what a wonderful couple we are. He can really turn on the BS and do a great sales pitch about how lovely life is for us.

Then, before I know it, coffee break ends and he wants me back on my head again.

Only now, things are different.

I refuse to stand on my head. I refuse to even step into Room #3, the shit room. D doesn't like this.

We've had to attend some meetings together recently, and I cringed when someone turned to me and said, "You're so cute together! How long have you been married?"

I wanted to reply with, "Oh shut up!" but after a pause I mumbled, "Thanks. A long time," 

What's the appropriate response for me now, I wonder? American cultural protocol generally wants you to answer the "How's it goin'?" question with, "Fine," not
"Life at home sucks and I'm plotting my escape." 
When I gloss over the shit headstands, I'm just promoting the coffee break, which is a big fat lie. I'm contributing to D's warped promotion of life in Room #3. I'm tired of lying about the coffee. I'd like to comment that they're just seeing the coffee break. I want to mention how short the coffee break is.

I need to find something to say that's honest, and doesn't leave me clenching my jaw afterwards until I get a headache. Something like,
"Yeah. As soon as we step out that door, the coffee break is over."


Meanwhile, deciding that I choose not to set foot in Room #3 anymore is a done deal.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits

One evening, I was cruising around the internet to see how I go about getting a divorce. One link about passive aggressive behavior led to another link about personality disorders, and I ended up going down the rabbit hole again.

When I landed on a page describing a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I think my jaw dropped with a crash, and stayed on the floor until I was done reading. At about 4 or 5am.

While D has not been clinically tested, and probably never will be, I decided to proceed with the rest of my life as if he does have NPD, since the characteristics of this disorder matches so many little quirks of his personality.

The list of traits is below, from what I gathered from several websites, and I have added a ☑ in front of trait I have seen in D. (Which is all but one, but for all I know there could be a disconnect between what happens at work and what he tells me.) I have at least a handful of stories about how he has displayed each of the checked items.

☑  Lacks empathy - sees no wrong in personally attacking others, or completely ignoring you

☑  Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack

☑   Is oblivious to his own disorder

☑  Treats others as sub-human, but sees it as "they way it should be"

☑  Has few friends

☑   Is asocial when no attention from others is available

☑  A belief that he or she is unique or "special" and should only associate with other people of the same status, and can only be understood by other special people.

☑  A constant need for attention, affirmation and praise. Requires excessive admiration.

☑  Disregards the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy.

☑   Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

☑   Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

☑  An exaggerated sense of one's own abilities and achievements.

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.)

☑  Are self-centered and boastful. Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

☑  Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of him or her.

☑   Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation.

☑  Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.

☑  Are easily hurt but might not show it.

☑  Exploits other people for personal gain. Pursues mainly selfish goals.

Sources:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic119161.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydisorders/a/narcissisticpd.htm

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/neurological_institute/center-for-behavorial-health/disease-conditions/hic-narcissistic-personality-disorder.aspx

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/