I have an apartment!

Now that I have a job, I can start planning my next step - moving.

This has been a challenge. Housing in the area is not cheap, and I'm trying to do this on my own, with just one job with average pay. I refuse to apply for housing assistance (I have no idea if I qualify) and will not, under any circumstances, live in a sketchy neighborhood. One way or another, I was going to find affordable housing in a decent neighborhood, in an apartment with decent management. Reaching for the stars, I wanted a balcony, nice neighbors, trees, and a water feature. I grew up near the water and always feel most at home when there's water nearby.

After years of living in a situation made financially unstable and being unsupported by D, I felt I deserved better. I deserved a decent home, in a decent neighborhood. I deserve to be happy.

I called several apartment complexes. The office manager at my top choice said they'd turned away 80 people, but I could leave my name and number if something opened up. So I did. Two days later I got a call, "We have an opening in 6 weeks. Are you still interested?"

Hell yes, I'm interested!
Two days later I've passed the background check and I'm putting down my deposit.

The apartment is mine!
(That was easy.)

Everything else is starting to fall into place now.

Employed!! Yay!

I had been stressing out about my job situation for over a year. Each week I worried about not having enough money to cover our family's monthly expenses, worried that I might never get a job, worried that I might be stuck living with D forever.

On top of that, I knew all the worrying was bad for me. It was attracting negative shit into my life and keeping me stuck. Worry is a challenge for me. I worry that things aren't working, and I know in my heart that this is a reason why things aren't working. Bad girl.

Two weeks ago, when I was trying not to worry myself into physical illness, the phone rang. A place where I had applied for a job months ago had someone abruptly leave and they needed to fill the position immediately. They had two urgent questions for me:

1. Was I still interested in working for their company? The job is similar to the one I had applied to, only in a different location.

Sure.
I'd lose my unemployment if I turned it down, so I'd say yes to a job cleaning out chicken coops, but sure. The company appeals to me, the office location is across town where I'm hoping to move, and I've got all the qualifications for the job. Sign me up!

and
2. When could I start? Today? First thing tomorrow?
They wanted me asap, or yesterday.

After about two years of looking, I am finally employed full time. Now I can concentrate on relocating. Yay!

Party Support

Last week we had a family birthday party at our house. Everyone was here. We had a great time.

I should clarify - before the party, I consciously made a few decisions about how I would behave during the party.
1. I was not going to cater to D's pouting that starts up about an hour into any friends and/or family gathering.
2. If D started feeling left out, he could deal with how to solve the problem. He is not the new kid in school and I am not his mother.
3. I was not going to stay by D's side and struggle against his haughty boredom to try to include him in whatever was going on.
4. When D disappears into the man cave or sits in the middle of the activity to watch tv, I was not going to try to correct his behavior to try to show everyone what a gracious host he is.

In other words, I was not going to babysit him, not going to try to cover for him, and not try to make excuses for his behavior.

I had a great time.
I don't know if he did or not. He never really talked about the party.
But I think he was a little surprised I basically ignored him.
Regardless, I had a great time.

At one point, my girlfriends and sisters were parading in and out of the kitchen, and one by one I told them that I'm leaving D. Nobody expressed surprise. Nobody asked why. Nobody urged me to go to couples' counseling to save the marriage.

I guess I was the last holdout. The last to figure out that it's just not working.
...holy crap, is it THAT obvious?

The general response was, "When are you leaving? What's your plan to get out? Does he know?" and one girlfriend, bless her heart, was bold enough to say, "I suspected this was coming. Are you ok?"

Hm. It is reassuring to know that I don't have to explain myself. I was dreading that.
I also probably have more of a support group than originally thought. I feel good knowing that.

(insert emotion here) 20th Anniversary

Today is my anniversary with D. We have been married 20 years.*

D, while I know that there is no point in even hoping that you will say "I love you," and even though you have not acknowledged the day with a gift, flowers, a card, or even a polite "Good morning," this song is my special gift for you.




*I'll be wearing a black armband to commemorate the occasion.

-------------------------------------------

Post-anniversary note:

At about midday, he was standing near me when I was checking the calendar for the date of an appointment I'd had earlier that week. He casually commented, 

"Oh. Today is the 28th. Happy Anniversary."

I braced myself for ... something. Positive or negative, I found myself flinching as he spoke. He was either going to try to be all nicey-nice about it and I'd have to force myself to not get my hopes up, or he was going to be indifferent. Either way hurts because there's no love left, and we shouldn't even be acknowledging any kind of anniversary at this point. 

We should have divorced years ago. 

He was indifferent as he spoke.

He said it with the same emotion that most people would use when they say, 

"The dog is overdue for a trip to the groomer." 

Or, "You should probably throw out that container of mystery mold that's sitting in the back of the fridge."

I shrugged it off.  

He didn't say anything about my lack of response, but went about his day as if life was good and normal. 

Totally indifferent. 

It's hard for me to acknowledge any special dates any more. Valentine's Day, my birthday, Mothers' Day, anniversary... I know if I comment to him about the special day, he shrugs it off. If I try to treat them with the importance I feel they deserve, he will try harder to ignore them - and will completely ignore me, then go about his day as if nothing's wrong in the world.

Either way, it's like he's stabbing me in the heart.

    

Narcissistic Traits: Sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment

One of the traits of a Narcissistic person is a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment.

Back in my post about Narcissistic Personality Traits, I pointed out that one characteristic is expecting special treatment, and D most certainly has it. In fact, this is something the kids and I see (and hate) almost daily.

☑  Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

Here's an example of something that has happened so often I practically expect it.

I have a cup of tea every night just before bedtime. Everyone in the house knows this.

Tonight, as often happens, my tea was rudely hijacked.


A little while ago I put cold water in the tea kettle, set it on the stove to boil, then put a teabag in my cup. I left my cup on the stove next to the teakettle, and went to talk to the kids in the dining room as I waited for the water to boil.

D was doing stuff in the kitchen, then went back into the garage.

We have a whistling teapot, and I only boil enough water for myself, so it usually whistles in about 4 minutes.

After 10 minutes, I realized the kettle hadn't whistled.

I walked into the kitchen to see the stove off, the kettle spout flipped open, and my cup sitting next to it with only a dry teabag in it.

The kettle was empty.
Where the hell is my hot water?

Apparently, D pulled it off the stove just as it started to boil, made himself a cup of tea, and left.

WTF?

I'd like to stop and comment here that normal people, if they make this mistake once or even twice, and it's kindly pointed out to them, will most likely never make this innocent mistake again.

This has been nicely brought to D's attention for the past 10+ years, each time with growing frustration, and he always "forgets" or "didn't know I wanted the boiling water."

Again - WTF?

Let me ask you - why on earth would I start water to boil with my cup and teabag on the stove if I didn't want the stupid water??
Ggrrrrr!! 

You know, I used to keep quiet when this shit happens and figured I'd just shut up and put up to keep peace in the family.

Those days are over. I'm done with the put up and shut up attitude.

I'm so pissed off right now I can feel my heart pounding.

Why am I letting myself get so worked up over this, I wonder?
I know why. Of course, I know why.

Because I'm leaving. He runs hot and cold. Pleasant then cruel. There's enough pleasant to make me forget how awful the cruel is, which is one of the reasons it's so stinkin' hard to leave. I notice myself now subconsciously getting upset about all the little tricks he pulls, I call him on his shit, I yell at him when he disrespects me or the kids, and I question his inane tactics to "punish" me (like when he threw the expensive bath towels in the trash.)

I never used to do this. I stayed quiet, picked up the pieces (which sometimes included soothing a hurt child's feelings,) internalized my anger, and let him continue walking all over us.

I'm engaging in a disruptive scene when he acts up. I'm letting him passively pick a fight.

I'm giving myself reason to leave.
I'm doing this to relieve my own guilt for wanting to leave.
I'm doing this so I can justify why I left after I'm gone.

I'm doing this to save myself.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue, 10 minutes after this was originally posted:
After writing this post and calming myself down, I walked into the garage to confront him about the tea.
There he was, asleep on his (smelly) couch, with a full cup of still-warm tea sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Yes. It's just a frickin' cup of tea. It's just a cup of tea.
But it's constant, and a small example of what he does ALL THE TIME.
ALL THE TIME.

Unless you have lived in this kind of situation, you'll never fully understand why I consider this abuse.

I'd say in terms of abuse, it's comparable to Chinese Water Torture.

Accomplishments du Jour

I got a lot done today.

I started my morning coffee by packing up two boxes of books and squirreling them away in my bedroom. Then it warmed up enough to work outside, so ta-dah! The shed out back is completely cleaned out and I have started moving my packed boxes into it. I cleaned the deck and packed up all the outside stuff I'm keeping. (One wind chime, one fossil  - I'm a rock picker - and one flowerpot.) Then I cleaned the back porch and started packing up stuff I'm taking from there. I didn't pack a lot, which is good. I don't want a lot of clutter in my new place. Four loads of laundry are done and put away. A week worth of work clothes are set out for my daughter to critique and re-plan for me. As always. (I value her opinion on how to de-frump some of my tired clothing combos.)

Whew!
I'm exhausted.

First day of the new job tomorrow. I'm excited about working again and a little sad I won't have as much free time. But it's good. One step closer to getting out of here.

Today D ignored me most of the day. When he surfaced, he was pleasant until he decided to blame me for a non-problem caused by his inaction. Irritating. Grr.
He had some clothes sitting in the laundry sink for at least a week, I'd guess closer to two weeks. The laundry machine drains directly into the sink, so D's clothes were constantly wet, and starting to mildew. Today when I cleaned the porch, I threw the rug into the washer. When I was working outside, D brought the rug outside and hung it on the clothesline. Then he said, "You have crap in the sink."
"It's your crap. Those are your clothes."
"No!" he snapped. "Your crap is in the sink. You need to clean it!"
"What crap?"
"From your rug."
Of course, pine needles washed out of the rug (from the Xmas tree that I asked him to take out on Dec 26 and finally made it out the door by Feb 1st) and into the laundry sink.
Since the clothes were in there, the sink didn't drain as quickly as it filled, so there is a little line of crud about 2/3 up the sides of the sink. It's not a lot, but there's some crud. It'll rinse out with the next load of laundry or someone could pour a cup of water over it to rinse it down the drain. There wouldn't be any crud in the sink if his clothes hadn't been sitting in there for the past week or more.
But of course now it's my mess and I have to clean it up asap or else.
Whatever...

Off to bed!

PS: D doesn't know I'm working tomorrow. After telling him, "I'm leaving now for an interview," and hearing him respond with, "Oh," or "Pick up supper on your way home," (how about telling me good luck?? or asking about it when I get home??) I decided to not bother keeping him in the loop with my job hunting activities. I haven't told him about the new job. It's within walking distance from home, so my car will be parked at home all day and he probably won't even notice I'm not around. His loss.

PPS: D has been talking about applying for a job in a town 2 hours away but isn't sure about the distance. He did that before, about 8 years ago and it was tough. We did it, but it was a challenge. I encouraged him to apply for it if the job seems interesting. The town is great, so no issue there. I'd feel less guilty about leaving him if he had a job he likes instead of staying home living off his fixed-income settlement, which barely covers the rent. I'll put the energy out there that this works for him.

Ok, off to bed this time, for real.

I'm thankful for...

• Being shortlisted for several huge contract jobs - that pay well enough for me to not only move to a decent neighborhood, but enough to get off assistance and actually put money into savings. 
• $1,308.00  $1,308.00  $1,308.00 ... right?
• Being able to keep the phone bill paid and the phone turned on.
• My ability to bite my tongue and play nice when out in public with D. 
• Dish soap. I cannot stress this enough. 
• And clean dishes.
• Having plenty of gas in my car.
• Having road service insurance on both cars.
• Having smart, levelheaded, calm kids who can figure out what to do when they accidentally leave the car lights on.
• Music. Loud music. Thank you, Pandora.
• Spring flowers: daffodils, snowdrops, cherry blossoms, camellias, azaleas. Bluebells, redbuds and tulips are next. I love this time of year; it's beautiful and the air smells sweet.
• Making significant headway on my sorting and packing. 
• My goofy, silly pets who yell at me when I sit on the couch and don't invite them to snuggle with me. And purr and wag their tails when I do.
• Birds and subways. Two things that are completely and totally unrelated, except for the fact that they make me smile whenever I see them.
• Advil. I'm thankful for Advil. And I'm thankful for those fleeting moments when I realize that my headache hasn't been bothering me for a while.
• Abuse support groups on Facebook and the moderators and people in the groups. I feel less anxiety about some aspects of leaving after talking to one of these people about my specific worries.
• Being able to take deep breaths when I feel stressed out. So simple. But it helps me to remember to stop and focus on what's right in front of me instead of worrying about all the what ifs.
• Coffee.

Support Group(s)

I did it. I joined an online support group.

Actually, a couple support groups. On Facebook.
It's a starting point.
I had to create a new Facebook profile to do this, since I didn't want D to see that I had joined any new groups. Trying to stay completely under his radar. He may be clueless to what I'm doing at home, and over here on this blog, but when it comes to familiar territory like Facebook, I'm not gonna pee in the pool, if you know what I mean.

Here's my Facebook profile.
Cherry B



I feel kind of loseriffic for not having any friends there, but that's the way it is.

1. If I friend people I know in real life, it links Cherry to my real identity, which D could figure out.
2. I don't even know how to explain my second profile to my friends, since I don't talk about this to anyone I know in real life. Yeah, I'm one of those closeted abuse victims. God, I thought sexuality issues were deeply closeted, and this is even deeper!
3. It could get back to D and then all hell will break loose.

No, it's not Cherry Bom-Beppy.  It's Cherry Bombe Pi.
You know, the Greek letter "π."
3.14159265359...

Alright, so I had a really helpful chat with a support group admin and she gave me some really good ideas on how to gracefully leave without leaving a trail of crap behind me (aka exiting without giving my dad reason to freak out on D) and how to prevent D from stalking me after the fact. These are two things that have had me stressing out like no tomorrow to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. Chest pains, etc.

I feel much better after talking to her.

Why online instead of finding a local group?

1. The local support group made me uncomfortable. I was scolded for calling myself co-dependent and that was the end of my turn. Today I decided that I really need someone to talk to, so I went online for help.
2. The others had already left their situation. I was the only one still in the midst of it.
3. I was the only one who hadn't experienced physical violence (very much, anyway) and I felt like an apple amongst the oranges. Still fruit, but different. 

As I find related blogs and forums and other resources, I'm listing them in my sidebar on this blog instead of bookmarking them on my computer. I'm not worried about D getting into my computer, but I want them available wherever I am, and maybe they'll help someone else.
You never know.
You know what? I still feel alone.
I mean, I feel better after talking, but I still feel isolated and alone.

Odd. D is in the house with me all day, every day, and I have never felt more lonely in my entire life than I have this past year. So lonely. Desolate. At least when I move out, there won't be someone moving around in the house totally ignoring me, making meals for himself only, and otherwise behaving as if I don't exist. I'll be alone because I'm actually the only one there. That will feel a lot better. And then I'll be able to actually go out and take a class or join a social group and make friends without having to explain where I'm going and justify my wanting to go instead of spending yet another night ignored at home. Oh, there's so much more about this but that's a subject for another post.

I'm thankful for...

• Meeting a goal last night: I FINISHED sorting, purging, and packing the last of my massive collection of scrapbooking supplies. That was a HUGE project that I started a year ago, and it's all packed up, ready to move. Done. Yay!
• Motivation. I was out of bed by 9am and showered by 10. I even remembered to take my antidepressant. If nothing else was accomplished, this still makes me a winner for the day.
• Starbucks for breakfast
• Having the physical and motivational energy this morning to clean the spare room upstairs. It's still cluttered, but it's dusted and picked up and the floor is clean.
• Clean laundry. I folded and put away 4 loads this morning and I'm not done yet. 
• Weather warm enough to open the doors today. I love being able to air out the house. Good chi.*
• Having food stamps and spare cash to pick up a few groceries. And a couple weeks' worth of toilet paper. And a pack of M&Ms. Gotta have my favorite reward on hand when I meet little goals this coming week.
• My kids. I am lucky to have a close relationship with them, and even luckier that they consider me not just Mom, but a fun friend to goof around with. Somehow, I'm the cool mom even though I make them do chores and tell them No when they want ridiculous things. (I think it's because I laugh at their fart jokes.)
• Thrift stores. They took 3 huge bags of clothes and toys and office supplies from me and gave me a coupon that I'll use for work clothes with my first paycheck. 
• Stuff I can sell. I'm ready to sell a few big ticket items via Craigslist. The cash will come in handy. (For more toilet paper and M&Ms, right?)
• Feeling good. I feel really good about myself today. This is nice for a change.
• Knowing what I need to do tonight to keep up the momentum of packing. 
• Knowing how much more I need to do before I'm done packing: 59 more boxes
• Being able to finally see huge progress with my sorting and packing efforts. 
• My metabolism, such as it is. I have been eating cookies and crap every day while I work on job hunting and packing, and I weigh myself every morning. My weight has been the same for the past month, give or take one pound. I'm still a plus size girl, but my crappy diet isn't affecting my weight in the slightest. Not one teeny bit. My clothes fit the same, too. I'm really happy about that because I know when I clean up my act regarding food, I'll be able to lose weight again. (I lost 50 lbs last year when I made a few changes.) It's nice to know that at least this part of my life is doing ok.
• Seeing my paycheck for $1,308.00 and being able to pay all the bills with money left over. (My bedtime visualization.)

Last night I decided that the best use of my time, other than applying for more permanent jobs, is to pack and get as ready to move as possible. Once I start working at a permanent job, I want to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I'm looking for a permanent job on the other side of the city, which means I'm going to have a hellish commute until I move. If I'm as packed and ready to go as possible, I can rent a storage unit with my first paycheck and start moving my stuff out of the house asap. It also means that if D plans to leave the house for at least 8 hours, I can take advantage of his absence and haul my ass outta there. Regardless, I don't want to deal with 8 hours at work, a 90 minute commute to get home, then deal with making dinner AND packing. The thought of that exhausts me.

I'm gonna get myself ready to run so there's no less stress when it's time to go.


* I mentioned Chi above.
Here are two links to explain:
Chi: Life Force  &  Feng Shui
 

Lorem Ipsum: Thank you, Cicero.

Back in college, I took a typesetting class where Lorem Ipsum was the common dummy language to fill in paragraphs. At that time, I knew it was Latin-ish, but never gave much thought to what it might actually mean.

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum." 

Today, for some reason I decided to look into it.

According to Lipsum.com, it appears a typesetter altered "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum," which was written in 45 BC by Cicero. Lorem Ipsum has been used by typesetters since its first appearance about 500 years ago. In 1914, H Rackham provided the following translation:

"No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"

Funny thing, the timing of this phrase. I've been struggling to get my ass in gear and do what I have to do so I can leave. I keep telling myself I know what I need to do. I can do what needs to be done. I feel like a broken record, telling myself this over and over and accomplishing nothing all day.

This morning, Lorem Ipsum popped into my head. The translation is exactly what I'm dealing with.

...occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure.

Yup. True in 1500, true in 2014.
Ok, you've got my attention. I'm listening.

Being stuck is keeping me stuck

Why is it so darn hard for me to get up off my ass and do something? Anything?
Every day is wasted with nonsense and I don't get any packing done, I don't sort through boxes of crap, I DON'T SEND OUT JOB APPLICATIONS...

WTF is wrong with me??

I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me??

By not doing anything, I'm just going to be stuck here longer. 

Last night I decided to take a one-week vacation from Facebook. I'm not gaining anything from that that I can't live without. When the week is up, I'll decide if I want to take a second week off. It could be a really good thing.

I'm going to bed early (on time) tonight, waking up at 6am tomorrow, and hopping in the shower and getting dressed right away. If that's all I do for the day, it'll be more than I've done all week. Plus, I'm always more productive in the early morning, and more productive when I'm dressed instead of pajamafied.

I'm sick of being stuck.
But like the quote above says, maybe I'm stuck because I think I'm stuck. 
Ok. shutting off the computer for the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow, too.

Get Out of My Way

I have been an excellent roadblock to myself.

Before going to bed on Sunday night, I wrote up a brief list of goals I want to accomplish this week. They're simple goals, and I could get them all done in a day if I had a hard deadline:

1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
2. Apply for 3 more lower wage, part time jobs (to carry me through until the permanent job comes through. I need money for toilet paper and gas. And an occasional latte.)
3. Clean out the front flower garden 
4. Clean the front porch
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry
7. Sort through and/or pack another box of stuff - moving prep

Today I cleaned the front porch. Took me 15 minutes.

That's it. That's all I accomplished today.

I can't tell if I'm depressed, lazy, or afraid to move forward. Or afraid.

If I move forward, then I'll be closer to moving out - a huge change.
I'm SO looking forward to moving out and changing my life, but I'm dragging my feet.
WHY??

I think I'm secretly afraid, and after scrolling through pages and pages of NPD and PA related Pinterest boards, and browsing through a half dozen blogs written by people who have been in the same position I'm in, I think I know what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid of what other people will do to me when I leave. 

From friends and family - "Why? Oh, poor D. He's such a nice guy. What happened? How could you possibly leave him?" and I'll feel pressured to talk about it.

I'll talk about it here, but I don't want to tell the same story over and over. And over. That's what happened after the accident, and it was hard. I hated talking about it the first time, but then everyone would ask and I'd find myself telling the story again and again. It got to the point where to this day, if I even think about the accident, I start crying about how awful it was, and how horrible the repairs and recovery was, physically, emotionally, and socially.

I'm afraid it's going to be like the accident all over again and I don't want to do it. I just want to get on with my life and not have to talk about it. I also still care about D, and don't want to say anything that will make him look bad. I know that's stupid, but I don't. I'd also feel like I'm betraying the kids if I say, "I left D because ... (insert any snippet of truth here)" I just want to publicly announce one time, "It didn't work out," and be done with it. But I KNOW it's not going to happen like that and I get knots in my stomach thinking about it.

From D, himself - I fear the character assassination that may follow. He may lash out and publicly skewer me in social media (he has no other friends at this point.) He may say things that will ultimately hurt the kids, and I'll feel guilty for their getting sucked into his drama.

I'm also afraid he might escalate. He hasn't for a long time, but I have always been afraid of an explosive escalation. Always. Its never gotten to that point, but from the time we were married, that fear has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind.

Even if I keep my (future) employer's identity a secret, and take precautions to hide from him after I move, he has access to technology that will probably find me, so I don't think I could ever hide from him. That makes me nervous. He's like an earthquake - The Big One. The potential to be devastating is there, and there are no warning signs, so you never know when it's going to hit. Or where you'll be when it hits. You could be hurt by your own home, a landslide, a tsunami, you never know. That scares me.

On the other hand, this is all just worry. I'm so focused on things that haven't happened. They aren't real. They are only  figments of my imagination.

I need to take a deep breath and bravely forge onward.
The things I think I might be afraid of can be dealt with when I'm finally there.

Tomorrow I'll check the three most difficult and time consuming things off my list: 
1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry

Time to get out of my way and move forward.

Do What You Need to Do

I have a short but non-negotiable list of things to accomplish before I leave D:

1. Find a job. My contract at the last job wasn't renewed this year, so I am currently unemployed.
2. Rent a storage locker near work.
3. Pare down my stuff and pack it up, then slowly move as much of it into storage as I can, unnoticed. 
4. "Sell" the extra couch that he hates and the unused bookcases on Craigslist. (Actually, they'll be going into storage.)
5. Find a place to live. That's pretty obvious.
6. Get D out of the house for a day - move the rest of my stuff.

He doesn't know I'm leaving, and I don't plan to tell him ahead of time for my safety and sanity.

Why bother going through my stuff? What's up with that? Just leave.

No.

I've got a lot of personal stuff stashed in tubs and crates in the garage and our storage shed. We've had so many re-locations over the years that crap inevitably got randomly shoved in a box and moved. With my long term, untreated depression and his proclivity to be chaotically disorganized, we never got around to dealing with any of that shit. I really really have to do it. And I've found that in pretty much every container I go through, I find old family photos (from my side of the family), an old pay stub with my social security number on it, or something else that I personally need to deal with or keep.

Like I said, I really have to take care of this stuff. I can't leave it behind, and I'm not moving 2000lbs of crap just to sort through it all for 2 lbs of keepers and 1/2 lb of shred.

So this is my ongoing project. Pare down, shred, pack...
I've been tucking away my keeper stuff in closets and under the bed as much as possible to get it out of sight now. That way it won't be so obvious when I start hauling it out of the house.
I need to do what I need to do, right?

Once I get a job I'll move the packed boxes from my bedroom hiding places into my storage locker. Then I'll slowly move my boxes out of the garage/shed into storage. A box every day or three won't be noticed. I even have plans to replace what I take with an empty box so it looks pretty much like everything is there. He is a little oblivious to stuff like that, and I've been shuffling stuff around pretty much every day to keep the storage areas constantly changing, so he is already used to me moving stuff around and things changing on the shelves.

I almost feel like I'm subversively reverse-gaslighting him in order to protect myself.
Again. I've gotta do what I need to do.

Getting Out vs. Giving Up

Sometimes I wonder if there is help for D. Some kind of counseling or something that will help him to recognize and change his emotionally abusive patterns.

The first step, I thought is to try marital counseling. When I suggested that I'd like to try it to see if we could develop a closer relationship, he snapped at me.
"There is nothing wrong with our relationship!"

And then he walked into the garage and slammed the door.

Proof that he is ok with the way the relationship is.
Reinforcement to me that the relationship will never change. I need to change the relationship.
There is no fix, there is only out.
This has been eating away at me.

When times are good (Fantasyland) I like him. He makes me laugh.
He's generally a nice guy.
His mother abruptly left him when he was a young boy. (She later returned, but died a few years after that. I think I'm afraid my leaving will also be seen by him as more abandonment from another woman in his life.)
He's got a few physical impairments from the accident and needs my help to do a few things.
He might see my leaving as a sign of rejection for his impairments.
He needs me.
How can I leave him? I can't give up on him, poor guy.

Why in the hell are all my excuses for staying centered around making sure he's happy and taken care of??

What about my own needs?
Somebody please tell me to shut up with the excuses.

Today I came across the following quote from Thomas G. Fiffer:

“Getting out is not giving up on someone

when staying is giving up on yourself.”

Thank you Tom.
I needed that.