My Beaus

For the past few years, I have had a handful of beaus who, for the most part, have taken extremely good care of me. In fact, it was their consideration for my feelings, my happiness, and my safety* that made me realize that something was indeed very very wrong and dysfunctional with my marriage.

True, I met each one of them initially for a singular purpose, but apparently we chose each other carefully, as I now consider them good friends. We can talk to each other about stresses, worries, dreams unfulfilled, past regrets and how we'll do things differently if the chance comes up, etc. We check in with each other a few times a week, to say hi or to tease each other, and occasionally make plans to see each other.

A few didn't stick around, which is ok. A couple were kind of creepy. Only one pursued me relentlessly to the point where I felt it was a little too much - apparently I am talented in certain areas - but was respectful when I asked him for a little breathing room.

At any given time, I have about 3 regulars. Some are married, some are single. None of them know each other, but they are all aware that each other exists.

My beaus: T, B, and S

I love them each in different ways and for different reasons.

Most importantly, though, I love them all for helping me to see what I have at home. I never would have seen what's going on at home without being able to experience their compassion.




*When I mention consideration for my safety, I am not only talking about safe sex. I actually am referring to a real life incident a few years ago, where I accidentally cut myself badly at an inconvenient time, in an even more inconvenient place, and had to be rushed to the doctor for stitches. Had this happened with D, he would have thought I cut myself on purpose, would have grumbled about having to drive me to the doctor, and has never asked me how I am. I have leftover scar tissue that continues to bother me on occasion and probably always will. The beau I was with that day still occasionally asks how I'm doing.

First Date

We really hit it off.

After 2 hours of talking nonstop, it was time to go.

Then it got weird. There was no "Well, I'll see ya later," or "I'll call ya" or anything.

Certainly no kiss, just an awkward hug.

Finally he asked, "Where'd you park?"

"Around the corner."

"Ok, well drive safe."

He sent me an email an hour later with a link to something we had talked about.

I know my job situation was a deal breaker. I could see it on his face when I brought it up. But I felt I had to be completely honest with him. 

Two days later he emailed an apology for not contacting me and said he had to leave the state for a funeral. 

At this point, it's ok. Way earlier, before we met, he had  made a funny remark about not a lot of choice in the produce aisle. He was referring to a lack of available and interesting female prospects. I acknowledge I'm not only a very green banana, but I haven't even been loaded onto the boat yet. I'm such a green banana, I'm still on the tree. But I'm a banana and dammit, I'll ripen someday.

In the meantime, I wish things had worked out where I could contact him next time I'm going to be near his neighborhood. I've been wanting to see a local band that plays in the area at least once a month, but don't want to go do that alone. I still regret not seeing them the last time they played at this particular bar. I wish I had someone to join me. He did mention that being single, he doesn't get to go out with other people all that often, so when someone asks, he jumps at the chance. Even without a romantic spark between us, it would have been fun to go out with him again just as friends.

When we were emailing and chatting online - before meeting in person - he read through a list I had written of things I like. I wasn't sure how to refer to my last item on the list, so I just wrote "Sex Positive." He commented on the list, saying he likes pretty much everything I wrote. When I asked if he understood what I meant about that last thing, he said, "Sure, it's good."

I was referring to the Center for Sex Positive Culture.

So he thinks I'm saying I'm open minded. 

Yes, that's very true. That's not entirely what I meant though, so I decided to shut up. No point overwhelming him.

Back to the date. It doesn't matter if he blew me off or not, I'm a green banana. 

This was the first time I had been on a first date with someone intent on actually dating. Almost all the other guys I've met had been married and had just one particular goal in mind. This is great, but damn, I'm lonely. I knew seeking someone to hang out with and/or date would be different from trying to find a FWB, but I have a feeling it's going to be a lot harder to find someone to casually hang out with and occasionally go to CSPC with me. 

Back to the drawing board.