I'm thankful for...

• Sunshine.
• Homemade gourmet pizza (last night's celebratory supper for the next thing I'm thankful for...)
• One of my kids got hired for their first job. The interview ended with a job offer. Yay!
• An incredible landlord/neighbor/friend.
• A decent night's sleep and waking before the alarm.
• A clean kitchen (...for about 10 minutes last night. I'll take what I can get.)
• Cash in my purse.
• Groceries (picked up a few things yesterday afternoon)
• Board games
• My job recruiter working for me behind the scenes, helping me land a permanent position so I can move.

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder traits

A while back, I posted about cruising around the internet to see how I go about getting a divorce. One link about passive aggressive behavior led to another link about personality disorders, and I ended up going down the rabbit hole again.

I wrote a long post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits, and checked off which traits D exhibits. I checked all but one box.

Today I want to list the traits of passive-aggressive people.

Apparently, Psychiatrists no longer recognize the Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder condition as an official diagnosis, but it is still recognized as a condition which causes problems for people.

Don't I know it!

While D has most of the NPD characteristics, I recognize that he is very very passive. On top of the narcissistic traits, he has all of the passive-aggressive traits below, which were gathered from several websites.

Along with proceeding with the rest of my life as if he has NPD, I'm also living under the assumption he also has PAPD - Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. Again,  I have added a ☑ in front of trait I have seen in D. I have dozens of stories about how he has displayed each of the checked items.

☑  Acting sullen, easily offended, being disagreeable and irritable.

☑  Intentional avoidance of responsibility by claiming forgetfulness. Using inaction to let a problem escalate.

☑  Being inefficient on purpose, contradictory and inconsistent behavior, performing in a manner that is not useful and sometimes even damaging.

☑  Blaming others.

☑  Complaining about being unappreciated, criticizing or protesting, chronically impatient.

☑  Feeling resentment, resentful of useful suggestions or demands from others.

☑  Having a fear of authority. Argumentative, sulky, and hostile, especially toward authority figures.

☑  Having unexpressed anger or hostility and acting hostile or cynical, going to self-destructive lengths to seek vengeance.

☑  Procrastinating, temporary compliance, intentional avoidance of responsibility, or compliance too late to be helpful.

☑  Stubbornness, resisting other people's suggestions.

☑  Sabotaging the action to show anger that they cannot express in words, hidden but conscious revenge, doing things to punish others when they feel wronged.

Sources:
http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder/overview.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/200912/the-five-levels-passive-aggressive-behavior
http://www.med.nyu.edu/content?chunkiid=96685
http://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder

Subtle NPD traits are still NPD traits

When I started this blog, I listed out all the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits I could find from various websites, and checked off every trait I have seen in D. I checked every box.

While I don't see that he has clearly obvious traits, I see them. Over the years, little things would nag at me and things didn't always add up. Now that I see our abuse patterns at home from the perspective of survivor rather than victim, I can see all those subtle little things he did was narcissistic abuse as well as passive aggressive abuse.

D is very, VERY passive.
Very passive.

We've been in individual counseling over the past few years, me more than him, and I find it interesting that while I mentioned some of the things he has done to my counselors, the topic of abuse never came up. I have seen a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Psychiatric Nurse, and a Licensed Social Worker. They are all very good at what they do and have helped me tremendously, yet nobody saw any red flags that suggested I may be abused at home. I think I understand now why all of this flew under the radar: I wasn't able to show them the whole picture, just random little pictures.

Here's the best example I can think of:
Each little thing D does is represented by one of these little pictures.

There isn't a lot in common from one picture to the next. It's just a random collection of pictures. Just like D has a random collection of behaviors around me.

If you step back (or zoom out) a little, you can see there might be a little bit of a pattern going on, but then again, maybe not. It's still a random collection of pictures.

Stepping back a little more and seeing a lot more pictures - or noting a lot more of the little things that D does around me or towards me - makes it clear that there is something else going on besides just random pictures. The little pictures make up a bigger picture.

But if you step all the way back and consider all of the pictures - or all the things D has done - whoa, that's not little pictures but a big obvious picture of one very specific image. You don't see it up close with just a handful of the little pictures.

I've been reading a LOT about NPD and PA, both online and in books, and from what I've learned, some people exhibiting NPD traits are clearly obvious from the first little incident. Kind of like this mosaic of Marilyn Monroe. The big picture of Marilyn is made up of little pictures of Marilyn.

D is subtle. He's random pictures. But his random pictures create a pretty clear big picture that nobody else has been able to see... until I finally saw it last summer. Took me 20+ years, but I see it now, and I will never be able to un-see it.

Picture Mosaics from http://www.picturemosaics.com/ and http://fineartamerica.com/

I'm thankful for...

• Being shortlisted for several huge contract jobs - that pay well enough for me to not only move to a decent neighborhood, but enough to get off assistance and actually put money into savings. 
• $1,308.00  $1,308.00  $1,308.00 ... right?
• Being able to keep the phone bill paid and the phone turned on.
• My ability to bite my tongue and play nice when out in public with D. 
• Dish soap. I cannot stress this enough. 
• And clean dishes.
• Having plenty of gas in my car.
• Having road service insurance on both cars.
• Having smart, levelheaded, calm kids who can figure out what to do when they accidentally leave the car lights on.
• Music. Loud music. Thank you, Pandora.
• Spring flowers: daffodils, snowdrops, cherry blossoms, camellias, azaleas. Bluebells, redbuds and tulips are next. I love this time of year; it's beautiful and the air smells sweet.
• Making significant headway on my sorting and packing. 
• My goofy, silly pets who yell at me when I sit on the couch and don't invite them to snuggle with me. And purr and wag their tails when I do.
• Birds and subways. Two things that are completely and totally unrelated, except for the fact that they make me smile whenever I see them.
• Advil. I'm thankful for Advil. And I'm thankful for those fleeting moments when I realize that my headache hasn't been bothering me for a while.
• Abuse support groups on Facebook and the moderators and people in the groups. I feel less anxiety about some aspects of leaving after talking to one of these people about my specific worries.
• Being able to take deep breaths when I feel stressed out. So simple. But it helps me to remember to stop and focus on what's right in front of me instead of worrying about all the what ifs.
• Coffee.

Support Group(s)

I did it. I joined an online support group.

Actually, a couple support groups. On Facebook.
It's a starting point.
I had to create a new Facebook profile to do this, since I didn't want D to see that I had joined any new groups. Trying to stay completely under his radar. He may be clueless to what I'm doing at home, and over here on this blog, but when it comes to familiar territory like Facebook, I'm not gonna pee in the pool, if you know what I mean.

Here's my Facebook profile.
Cherry B



I feel kind of loseriffic for not having any friends there, but that's the way it is.

1. If I friend people I know in real life, it links Cherry to my real identity, which D could figure out.
2. I don't even know how to explain my second profile to my friends, since I don't talk about this to anyone I know in real life. Yeah, I'm one of those closeted abuse victims. God, I thought sexuality issues were deeply closeted, and this is even deeper!
3. It could get back to D and then all hell will break loose.

No, it's not Cherry Bom-Beppy.  It's Cherry Bombe Pi.
You know, the Greek letter "π."
3.14159265359...

Alright, so I had a really helpful chat with a support group admin and she gave me some really good ideas on how to gracefully leave without leaving a trail of crap behind me (aka exiting without giving my dad reason to freak out on D) and how to prevent D from stalking me after the fact. These are two things that have had me stressing out like no tomorrow to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. Chest pains, etc.

I feel much better after talking to her.

Why online instead of finding a local group?

1. The local support group made me uncomfortable. I was scolded for calling myself co-dependent and that was the end of my turn. Today I decided that I really need someone to talk to, so I went online for help.
2. The others had already left their situation. I was the only one still in the midst of it.
3. I was the only one who hadn't experienced physical violence (very much, anyway) and I felt like an apple amongst the oranges. Still fruit, but different. 

As I find related blogs and forums and other resources, I'm listing them in my sidebar on this blog instead of bookmarking them on my computer. I'm not worried about D getting into my computer, but I want them available wherever I am, and maybe they'll help someone else.
You never know.
You know what? I still feel alone.
I mean, I feel better after talking, but I still feel isolated and alone.

Odd. D is in the house with me all day, every day, and I have never felt more lonely in my entire life than I have this past year. So lonely. Desolate. At least when I move out, there won't be someone moving around in the house totally ignoring me, making meals for himself only, and otherwise behaving as if I don't exist. I'll be alone because I'm actually the only one there. That will feel a lot better. And then I'll be able to actually go out and take a class or join a social group and make friends without having to explain where I'm going and justify my wanting to go instead of spending yet another night ignored at home. Oh, there's so much more about this but that's a subject for another post.

I'm thankful for...

• BEING EMPLOYED!!! Last week I interviewed for a job I knew I had a good chance of getting, and today I learned that I got it. Yay! It's a long-term temp job that I'm taking for the interim - I'll still continue my quest for a higher paying job across the city - but this is a huge step in the right direction. 
• Having a caring and generous dad. Yesterday he dropped off some food and got us caught up on bills. 
• Sunshine. 
• Accomplishing a huge amount of sorting and packing over the weekend. 
• Sticking to my priorities. I decided to go on a social media vacation (ok, except for Pinterest) and this is helping me to focus my time and energy on what really needs to be done. 
• Having cash in my purse and money in savings.
• Feeling good, both mentally and physically.
• My kids. They were both home over the weekend and it was fun to be around their happy personalities.
• Being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel (see the first item on the list)

I'm thankful for...

• Meeting a goal last night: I FINISHED sorting, purging, and packing the last of my massive collection of scrapbooking supplies. That was a HUGE project that I started a year ago, and it's all packed up, ready to move. Done. Yay!
• Motivation. I was out of bed by 9am and showered by 10. I even remembered to take my antidepressant. If nothing else was accomplished, this still makes me a winner for the day.
• Starbucks for breakfast
• Having the physical and motivational energy this morning to clean the spare room upstairs. It's still cluttered, but it's dusted and picked up and the floor is clean.
• Clean laundry. I folded and put away 4 loads this morning and I'm not done yet. 
• Weather warm enough to open the doors today. I love being able to air out the house. Good chi.*
• Having food stamps and spare cash to pick up a few groceries. And a couple weeks' worth of toilet paper. And a pack of M&Ms. Gotta have my favorite reward on hand when I meet little goals this coming week.
• My kids. I am lucky to have a close relationship with them, and even luckier that they consider me not just Mom, but a fun friend to goof around with. Somehow, I'm the cool mom even though I make them do chores and tell them No when they want ridiculous things. (I think it's because I laugh at their fart jokes.)
• Thrift stores. They took 3 huge bags of clothes and toys and office supplies from me and gave me a coupon that I'll use for work clothes with my first paycheck. 
• Stuff I can sell. I'm ready to sell a few big ticket items via Craigslist. The cash will come in handy. (For more toilet paper and M&Ms, right?)
• Feeling good. I feel really good about myself today. This is nice for a change.
• Knowing what I need to do tonight to keep up the momentum of packing. 
• Knowing how much more I need to do before I'm done packing: 59 more boxes
• Being able to finally see huge progress with my sorting and packing efforts. 
• My metabolism, such as it is. I have been eating cookies and crap every day while I work on job hunting and packing, and I weigh myself every morning. My weight has been the same for the past month, give or take one pound. I'm still a plus size girl, but my crappy diet isn't affecting my weight in the slightest. Not one teeny bit. My clothes fit the same, too. I'm really happy about that because I know when I clean up my act regarding food, I'll be able to lose weight again. (I lost 50 lbs last year when I made a few changes.) It's nice to know that at least this part of my life is doing ok.
• Seeing my paycheck for $1,308.00 and being able to pay all the bills with money left over. (My bedtime visualization.)

Last night I decided that the best use of my time, other than applying for more permanent jobs, is to pack and get as ready to move as possible. Once I start working at a permanent job, I want to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I'm looking for a permanent job on the other side of the city, which means I'm going to have a hellish commute until I move. If I'm as packed and ready to go as possible, I can rent a storage unit with my first paycheck and start moving my stuff out of the house asap. It also means that if D plans to leave the house for at least 8 hours, I can take advantage of his absence and haul my ass outta there. Regardless, I don't want to deal with 8 hours at work, a 90 minute commute to get home, then deal with making dinner AND packing. The thought of that exhausts me.

I'm gonna get myself ready to run so there's no less stress when it's time to go.


* I mentioned Chi above.
Here are two links to explain:
Chi: Life Force  &  Feng Shui