Get Out of My Way

I have been an excellent roadblock to myself.

Before going to bed on Sunday night, I wrote up a brief list of goals I want to accomplish this week. They're simple goals, and I could get them all done in a day if I had a hard deadline:

1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
2. Apply for 3 more lower wage, part time jobs (to carry me through until the permanent job comes through. I need money for toilet paper and gas. And an occasional latte.)
3. Clean out the front flower garden 
4. Clean the front porch
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry
7. Sort through and/or pack another box of stuff - moving prep

Today I cleaned the front porch. Took me 15 minutes.

That's it. That's all I accomplished today.

I can't tell if I'm depressed, lazy, or afraid to move forward. Or afraid.

If I move forward, then I'll be closer to moving out - a huge change.
I'm SO looking forward to moving out and changing my life, but I'm dragging my feet.
WHY??

I think I'm secretly afraid, and after scrolling through pages and pages of NPD and PA related Pinterest boards, and browsing through a half dozen blogs written by people who have been in the same position I'm in, I think I know what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid of what other people will do to me when I leave. 

From friends and family - "Why? Oh, poor D. He's such a nice guy. What happened? How could you possibly leave him?" and I'll feel pressured to talk about it.

I'll talk about it here, but I don't want to tell the same story over and over. And over. That's what happened after the accident, and it was hard. I hated talking about it the first time, but then everyone would ask and I'd find myself telling the story again and again. It got to the point where to this day, if I even think about the accident, I start crying about how awful it was, and how horrible the repairs and recovery was, physically, emotionally, and socially.

I'm afraid it's going to be like the accident all over again and I don't want to do it. I just want to get on with my life and not have to talk about it. I also still care about D, and don't want to say anything that will make him look bad. I know that's stupid, but I don't. I'd also feel like I'm betraying the kids if I say, "I left D because ... (insert any snippet of truth here)" I just want to publicly announce one time, "It didn't work out," and be done with it. But I KNOW it's not going to happen like that and I get knots in my stomach thinking about it.

From D, himself - I fear the character assassination that may follow. He may lash out and publicly skewer me in social media (he has no other friends at this point.) He may say things that will ultimately hurt the kids, and I'll feel guilty for their getting sucked into his drama.

I'm also afraid he might escalate. He hasn't for a long time, but I have always been afraid of an explosive escalation. Always. Its never gotten to that point, but from the time we were married, that fear has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind.

Even if I keep my (future) employer's identity a secret, and take precautions to hide from him after I move, he has access to technology that will probably find me, so I don't think I could ever hide from him. That makes me nervous. He's like an earthquake - The Big One. The potential to be devastating is there, and there are no warning signs, so you never know when it's going to hit. Or where you'll be when it hits. You could be hurt by your own home, a landslide, a tsunami, you never know. That scares me.

On the other hand, this is all just worry. I'm so focused on things that haven't happened. They aren't real. They are only  figments of my imagination.

I need to take a deep breath and bravely forge onward.
The things I think I might be afraid of can be dealt with when I'm finally there.

Tomorrow I'll check the three most difficult and time consuming things off my list: 
1. Apply for 6 more full-time jobs at my career level
5. Clean the bathroom
6. Catch up on my laundry

Time to get out of my way and move forward.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits

One evening, I was cruising around the internet to see how I go about getting a divorce. One link about passive aggressive behavior led to another link about personality disorders, and I ended up going down the rabbit hole again.

When I landed on a page describing a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I think my jaw dropped with a crash, and stayed on the floor until I was done reading. At about 4 or 5am.

While D has not been clinically tested, and probably never will be, I decided to proceed with the rest of my life as if he does have NPD, since the characteristics of this disorder matches so many little quirks of his personality.

The list of traits is below, from what I gathered from several websites, and I have added a ☑ in front of trait I have seen in D. (Which is all but one, but for all I know there could be a disconnect between what happens at work and what he tells me.) I have at least a handful of stories about how he has displayed each of the checked items.

☑  Lacks empathy - sees no wrong in personally attacking others, or completely ignoring you

☑  Being told "no" comes off as a personal attack

☑   Is oblivious to his own disorder

☑  Treats others as sub-human, but sees it as "they way it should be"

☑  Has few friends

☑   Is asocial when no attention from others is available

☑  A belief that he or she is unique or "special" and should only associate with other people of the same status, and can only be understood by other special people.

☑  A constant need for attention, affirmation and praise. Requires excessive admiration.

☑  Disregards the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy.

☑   Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

☑   Has a sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment and that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants. Has obsessive self-interest.

☑  An exaggerated sense of one's own abilities and achievements.

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.)

☑  Are self-centered and boastful. Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

☑  Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of him or her.

☑   Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation.

☑  Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.

☑  Are easily hurt but might not show it.

☑  Exploits other people for personal gain. Pursues mainly selfish goals.

Sources:
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic119161.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydisorders/a/narcissisticpd.htm

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/neurological_institute/center-for-behavorial-health/disease-conditions/hic-narcissistic-personality-disorder.aspx

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

Do What You Need to Do

I have a short but non-negotiable list of things to accomplish before I leave D:

1. Find a job. My contract at the last job wasn't renewed this year, so I am currently unemployed.
2. Rent a storage locker near work.
3. Pare down my stuff and pack it up, then slowly move as much of it into storage as I can, unnoticed. 
4. "Sell" the extra couch that he hates and the unused bookcases on Craigslist. (Actually, they'll be going into storage.)
5. Find a place to live. That's pretty obvious.
6. Get D out of the house for a day - move the rest of my stuff.

He doesn't know I'm leaving, and I don't plan to tell him ahead of time for my safety and sanity.

Why bother going through my stuff? What's up with that? Just leave.

No.

I've got a lot of personal stuff stashed in tubs and crates in the garage and our storage shed. We've had so many re-locations over the years that crap inevitably got randomly shoved in a box and moved. With my long term, untreated depression and his proclivity to be chaotically disorganized, we never got around to dealing with any of that shit. I really really have to do it. And I've found that in pretty much every container I go through, I find old family photos (from my side of the family), an old pay stub with my social security number on it, or something else that I personally need to deal with or keep.

Like I said, I really have to take care of this stuff. I can't leave it behind, and I'm not moving 2000lbs of crap just to sort through it all for 2 lbs of keepers and 1/2 lb of shred.

So this is my ongoing project. Pare down, shred, pack...
I've been tucking away my keeper stuff in closets and under the bed as much as possible to get it out of sight now. That way it won't be so obvious when I start hauling it out of the house.
I need to do what I need to do, right?

Once I get a job I'll move the packed boxes from my bedroom hiding places into my storage locker. Then I'll slowly move my boxes out of the garage/shed into storage. A box every day or three won't be noticed. I even have plans to replace what I take with an empty box so it looks pretty much like everything is there. He is a little oblivious to stuff like that, and I've been shuffling stuff around pretty much every day to keep the storage areas constantly changing, so he is already used to me moving stuff around and things changing on the shelves.

I almost feel like I'm subversively reverse-gaslighting him in order to protect myself.
Again. I've gotta do what I need to do.

Emotional Abuse & Extramarital Affairs

I'm lucky.

I'm in a common (unfortunately) situation where I'm the victim of emotional abuse.

I'm in the more and more common situation where I'm having an extramarital affair (or two, or five.)

I'm in a very uncommon situation (I would guess) where I'm involved in both abuse and affairs at the same time.

My affairs keep me sane. My relationships help me to feel grounded and real.
The intimate contact helps me to fill the void from D's emotional abandonment of me.

I'm lucky because part of D's abuse is ignoring me for days on end, spending all of his time in the garage. I've gone days without seeing him. On days when I decide to take a drive out of the city to go to the lake or wander aimlessly around the mall for hours, or take my computer to a coffeehouse until well after midnight, he doesn't ask where I've been. No texts, no calls, nothing.

I go for weeks without another human physically touching me. Not even a clerk touching my hand as she gives me my change and receipt. Not even as strangers brushing shoulders as we pass on the sidewalk. It hurts my heart to go for so long without any contact.

I try to see the bright side to being ignored at this level: I have a LOT of free time at home. Sometimes I follow my usual patterns of going to the lake, mall, or coffeehouse, but I meet up with one of my beaus for some quality social time instead.

Like I said, I'm lucky.

Getting Out vs. Giving Up

Sometimes I wonder if there is help for D. Some kind of counseling or something that will help him to recognize and change his emotionally abusive patterns.

The first step, I thought is to try marital counseling. When I suggested that I'd like to try it to see if we could develop a closer relationship, he snapped at me.
"There is nothing wrong with our relationship!"

And then he walked into the garage and slammed the door.

Proof that he is ok with the way the relationship is.
Reinforcement to me that the relationship will never change. I need to change the relationship.
There is no fix, there is only out.
This has been eating away at me.

When times are good (Fantasyland) I like him. He makes me laugh.
He's generally a nice guy.
His mother abruptly left him when he was a young boy. (She later returned, but died a few years after that. I think I'm afraid my leaving will also be seen by him as more abandonment from another woman in his life.)
He's got a few physical impairments from the accident and needs my help to do a few things.
He might see my leaving as a sign of rejection for his impairments.
He needs me.
How can I leave him? I can't give up on him, poor guy.

Why in the hell are all my excuses for staying centered around making sure he's happy and taken care of??

What about my own needs?
Somebody please tell me to shut up with the excuses.

Today I came across the following quote from Thomas G. Fiffer:

“Getting out is not giving up on someone

when staying is giving up on yourself.”

Thank you Tom.
I needed that.

My Beaus

For the past few years, I have had a handful of beaus who, for the most part, have taken extremely good care of me. In fact, it was their consideration for my feelings, my happiness, and my safety* that made me realize that something was indeed very very wrong and dysfunctional with my marriage.

True, I met each one of them initially for a singular purpose, but apparently we chose each other carefully, as I now consider them good friends. We can talk to each other about stresses, worries, dreams unfulfilled, past regrets and how we'll do things differently if the chance comes up, etc. We check in with each other a few times a week, to say hi or to tease each other, and occasionally make plans to see each other.

A few didn't stick around, which is ok. A couple were kind of creepy. Only one pursued me relentlessly to the point where I felt it was a little too much - apparently I am talented in certain areas - but was respectful when I asked him for a little breathing room.

At any given time, I have about 3 regulars. Some are married, some are single. None of them know each other, but they are all aware that each other exists.

My beaus: T, B, and S

I love them each in different ways and for different reasons.

Most importantly, though, I love them all for helping me to see what I have at home. I never would have seen what's going on at home without being able to experience their compassion.




*When I mention consideration for my safety, I am not only talking about safe sex. I actually am referring to a real life incident a few years ago, where I accidentally cut myself badly at an inconvenient time, in an even more inconvenient place, and had to be rushed to the doctor for stitches. Had this happened with D, he would have thought I cut myself on purpose, would have grumbled about having to drive me to the doctor, and has never asked me how I am. I have leftover scar tissue that continues to bother me on occasion and probably always will. The beau I was with that day still occasionally asks how I'm doing.

Here comes the sun again

Well.
I'm glad that blue crap is going away. I feel much better today.

I realized I had stopped taking my antidepressants and was letting my current situation with job and home life get to me.

As soon as I expressed quiet gratitude for a few basics (health, food, sunshine) the phone rang. Would I be available for an interview this coming Wednesday? The job opening that excited me has turned into an interview.

Funny how that works.