I'm thankful for...

• Wild caught fresh albacore tuna in the fridge, from a neighbor
• Real cream in my coffee
• My dad, who is always looking out for me
• Getting two more boxes of crap cleaned out last night
• A sparkling clean bathroom
• Waking up early today
• Clean laundry, dried on the clothesline
• Goofy, cuddly pets
• Knowing what I need to do today to help me reach my goals
• The power of Pinterest, for helping me to envision myself in my own place
• Having a full day ahead of me to get stuff done
• Being able to accept that last week was kind of wasted, but I have a new week coming where I can start fresh
• Scented candles and loud music
• Having cash in my purse so I can pay some utilities on Monday (thank you Dad)
• Being accepted on food stamps. Things always have a way of working out. Financially, I didn't leap - the edge crumbled under my feet. And still, the net appears.

Every night in bed, I visualize the same thing: I'm at work somewhere, and it's payday, which comes around every two weeks. Someone is going around the office handing out paychecks (or paystubs for direct deposit) and I'm handed an envelope. I look inside and see a paycheck made out to me for $1,308.00 and I sigh a HUGE sigh of relief. I tell myself, "Everything will be ok."

Every night it's the same check for $1,308.00, and every night I sigh and tell myself, "Everything will be ok." I've been doing this for over a month.

Last night was different. After I saw the check, sighed, and told myself everything will be ok, I saw myself sitting down to pay all the bills. For the last umpteen years, paying bills has been overwhelmingly stressful because the money hasn't been there. We've been struggling for so long I have a hard time remembering when we were able to pay all the bills and still have some left over for savings. So as I continued watching the visualization, I opened the bills and added them up. Then added them up again. Laying in bed, I counted on my fingers the bills we actually have, and tallied up how much we pay for this and that every month. The visualization was correct.

Holy crap, we have money left over, and the $1,308.00 is a bi-weekly paycheck. I'll get another $1,308.00 in two weeks. Holy crap, I'm going to have a lot of money left over.
(Last year, D decided to change his job and now earns a mere pittance; enough to cover rent but nothing more.)

Last night it actually hit me. Everything will be ok. 
I'm just going to continue being thankful for everything that comes my way and picturing my paycheck every night.

Lorem Ipsum: Thank you, Cicero.

Back in college, I took a typesetting class where Lorem Ipsum was the common dummy language to fill in paragraphs. At that time, I knew it was Latin-ish, but never gave much thought to what it might actually mean.

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum." 

Today, for some reason I decided to look into it.

According to Lipsum.com, it appears a typesetter altered "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum," which was written in 45 BC by Cicero. Lorem Ipsum has been used by typesetters since its first appearance about 500 years ago. In 1914, H Rackham provided the following translation:

"No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"

Funny thing, the timing of this phrase. I've been struggling to get my ass in gear and do what I have to do so I can leave. I keep telling myself I know what I need to do. I can do what needs to be done. I feel like a broken record, telling myself this over and over and accomplishing nothing all day.

This morning, Lorem Ipsum popped into my head. The translation is exactly what I'm dealing with.

...occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure.

Yup. True in 1500, true in 2014.
Ok, you've got my attention. I'm listening.

Being stuck is keeping me stuck

Why is it so darn hard for me to get up off my ass and do something? Anything?
Every day is wasted with nonsense and I don't get any packing done, I don't sort through boxes of crap, I DON'T SEND OUT JOB APPLICATIONS...

WTF is wrong with me??

I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me??

By not doing anything, I'm just going to be stuck here longer. 

Last night I decided to take a one-week vacation from Facebook. I'm not gaining anything from that that I can't live without. When the week is up, I'll decide if I want to take a second week off. It could be a really good thing.

I'm going to bed early (on time) tonight, waking up at 6am tomorrow, and hopping in the shower and getting dressed right away. If that's all I do for the day, it'll be more than I've done all week. Plus, I'm always more productive in the early morning, and more productive when I'm dressed instead of pajamafied.

I'm sick of being stuck.
But like the quote above says, maybe I'm stuck because I think I'm stuck. 
Ok. shutting off the computer for the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow, too.

Single Step

Today's single step is:

Send out another job application somewhere. 

Anywhere. 

Pick one.

I'm thankful for...

• hot coffee in my favorite mug
• sunshine, or at least lack of rain
• remembering to take my antidepressant meds today
• waking up before 10am
• being migraine-free today
• the surprise money I received in the mail yesterday
• knowing I have the cash for 2 full car payments in my private savings account 
• having a private savings account... with money in it!
• staying calm last night when D tried to physically push me aside like a curtain
• recognizing that I need to move out
• yesterday's good job interview
• knowing what one thing I need to do today to change my life

Interview

This time I nailed it.
I always interview well, and my past interviews with other companies were great, but the jobs I interviewed for were either wrong for me or they are perfect but the overall (bureaucratic) hiring process is slowwwww.

I was the first out of about 5 to interview for the job, and have years of experience and advanced skills for each specific thing she needs. Since all the other candidates interview after me, she's going to be comparing each and every one of them to me. Yay!

• Public speaking? I've done seminars.  Love it.
• Sales support? Yep, both sales support and sales, so I know how salespeople think and operate.
• Specific software program? I recently took an advanced class and know it forwards and back. She only knows the basics and needs someone to do the fancy stuff.

It was so exciting in the interview - everything she said she needed, I've done before. 
Plus - she and I hit it off.

It's a long term temp job to help get me on my feet and take the stress off while I wait for a permanent job. She'll let me know by Friday if I'm shortlisted for a second interview.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling really good about this job and can totally see myself working there.

Coffee Break in the Shit Room

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

This was my life with D.

Most of the time I've been doing a headstand waist deep in shit, but now and then I was allowed a little coffee break where life felt almost normal.

When outsiders open the door and take a peek into our lives together, D is careful to show them the coffee break. He's so charming and delightful. People tell us what a wonderful couple we are. He can really turn on the BS and do a great sales pitch about how lovely life is for us.

Then, before I know it, coffee break ends and he wants me back on my head again.

Only now, things are different.

I refuse to stand on my head. I refuse to even step into Room #3, the shit room. D doesn't like this.

We've had to attend some meetings together recently, and I cringed when someone turned to me and said, "You're so cute together! How long have you been married?"

I wanted to reply with, "Oh shut up!" but after a pause I mumbled, "Thanks. A long time," 

What's the appropriate response for me now, I wonder? American cultural protocol generally wants you to answer the "How's it goin'?" question with, "Fine," not
"Life at home sucks and I'm plotting my escape." 
When I gloss over the shit headstands, I'm just promoting the coffee break, which is a big fat lie. I'm contributing to D's warped promotion of life in Room #3. I'm tired of lying about the coffee. I'd like to comment that they're just seeing the coffee break. I want to mention how short the coffee break is.

I need to find something to say that's honest, and doesn't leave me clenching my jaw afterwards until I get a headache. Something like,
"Yeah. As soon as we step out that door, the coffee break is over."


Meanwhile, deciding that I choose not to set foot in Room #3 anymore is a done deal.