Empty boxes

I'm packing today.
Rather, I'm purging and packing today.
After 2 rushed, unplanned moves in a row and a lifetime of indecision, we have boxes and boxes of crap to deal with.

I have been putting off dealing with this crap for years and years. Now it's time to deal with this before I get the hell out, and so I am purging and packing.

Here's where it gets challenging. As I purge, I create an empty box.
When I pack, I fill the empty box.
As I move things out, I'll remove a box.

I don't want D to know I'm purging, packing, or removing my stuff from the house, so I have wayyyy more empty boxes than I will ever need.

Today, as I work, I've been moving the last of the boxes to be gone through from the garage into my bedroom. Empties are going back on the shelf in the garage. To the inattentive eye, it looks like nothing has changed. Reverse gaslighting for you, D. You're welcome.

To my eye, it's hard to see progress, because all I see are boxes. I'm hoping once the garage contains only D's stuff and empties, I'll feel like I've made headway in the project and can stop and breathe.

A nice surprise was in one of the boxes. I found a bumper sticker that says "Don't postpone joy."

When I feel overwhelmed by this project or think I want to take a break, remembering this little statement will help me stay on track. 

Don't postpone joy.

The Law of Attrraction

The first time I heard about the law of attraction was in a Napoleon Hill book I found in a box. His language was hard for me to follow, but I vaguely understood that he was talking about how the wealthiest men of the early 20th century used some magical connection wanting something and obtaining it.

The second time I heard about it was at a weekend clinic by T Harv Eker. It made a little more sense, but I don't think I was ready for it to sink in.  

The most basic premise of LoA is that whatever you think, you will manifest. Think negative thoughts all the time, and you will be mired in negativity and bad things happening. Train yourself to think more positive thoughts and practice gratitude, and positive things will start happening. Or at the very least you'll be able to see the teeniest of positive things begin and grow.

During my job hunt and trying to recover from my situational depression, I worked diligently to get my brain to focus on positive things and to be thankful for the good in my life. It was hard.

I have done this in the past, and I always noticed that things seemed to turn around about 2 months after starting down the positive thinking path.

What I mean by positive thinking is changing the constant flow of thoughts in my head from crap like: I'm so broke! I have got to think of a way to make more money. I'm so tired of not having enough money. I can't pay my bills. I'm afraid the electricity will be shut off again. I'm a failure because I'm poor. I wish I could find a job. My life is miserable. I hate living like this. I'm done.I need a hug. Nobody loves me. I've had enough. I have to get out of here. If only I could find a job I could move out. But I'm afraid I will still be broke. I have to come up with a solution, I can't do this any more...

...and thinking about my life from the opposite perspective: Thank God I have enough food in the fridge to feed the kids at least one meal. I can scrape together enough money to get a tank of gas. I have a lot of great job skills and someone is going to recognize that. My kids are wonderful. The weather is beautiful today. I'm glad I've got a roof over my head. The water bill is overdue but the water is still on so I can take a shower. I have money in my purse - it's a quarter, but it's money. My life is not that bad; I could be homeless, or sick. I have a secret stash of emergency toilet paper. I did good work today, applying for 6 new jobs.

As insignificant as they seem, they're still positive thoughts, and they helped me to see hope instead of desperation. Two months after focused effort, things started turning around for me. I got the job. Now everything else seems to be falling into place.

I have an apartment!

Now that I have a job, I can start planning my next step - moving.

This has been a challenge. Housing in the area is not cheap, and I'm trying to do this on my own, with just one job with average pay. I refuse to apply for housing assistance (I have no idea if I qualify) and will not, under any circumstances, live in a sketchy neighborhood. One way or another, I was going to find affordable housing in a decent neighborhood, in an apartment with decent management. Reaching for the stars, I wanted a balcony, nice neighbors, trees, and a water feature. I grew up near the water and always feel most at home when there's water nearby.

After years of living in a situation made financially unstable and being unsupported by D, I felt I deserved better. I deserved a decent home, in a decent neighborhood. I deserve to be happy.

I called several apartment complexes. The office manager at my top choice said they'd turned away 80 people, but I could leave my name and number if something opened up. So I did. Two days later I got a call, "We have an opening in 6 weeks. Are you still interested?"

Hell yes, I'm interested!
Two days later I've passed the background check and I'm putting down my deposit.

The apartment is mine!
(That was easy.)

Everything else is starting to fall into place now.

Employed!! Yay!

I had been stressing out about my job situation for over a year. Each week I worried about not having enough money to cover our family's monthly expenses, worried that I might never get a job, worried that I might be stuck living with D forever.

On top of that, I knew all the worrying was bad for me. It was attracting negative shit into my life and keeping me stuck. Worry is a challenge for me. I worry that things aren't working, and I know in my heart that this is a reason why things aren't working. Bad girl.

Two weeks ago, when I was trying not to worry myself into physical illness, the phone rang. A place where I had applied for a job months ago had someone abruptly leave and they needed to fill the position immediately. They had two urgent questions for me:

1. Was I still interested in working for their company? The job is similar to the one I had applied to, only in a different location.

Sure.
I'd lose my unemployment if I turned it down, so I'd say yes to a job cleaning out chicken coops, but sure. The company appeals to me, the office location is across town where I'm hoping to move, and I've got all the qualifications for the job. Sign me up!

and
2. When could I start? Today? First thing tomorrow?
They wanted me asap, or yesterday.

After about two years of looking, I am finally employed full time. Now I can concentrate on relocating. Yay!

Party Support

Last week we had a family birthday party at our house. Everyone was here. We had a great time.

I should clarify - before the party, I consciously made a few decisions about how I would behave during the party.
1. I was not going to cater to D's pouting that starts up about an hour into any friends and/or family gathering.
2. If D started feeling left out, he could deal with how to solve the problem. He is not the new kid in school and I am not his mother.
3. I was not going to stay by D's side and struggle against his haughty boredom to try to include him in whatever was going on.
4. When D disappears into the man cave or sits in the middle of the activity to watch tv, I was not going to try to correct his behavior to try to show everyone what a gracious host he is.

In other words, I was not going to babysit him, not going to try to cover for him, and not try to make excuses for his behavior.

I had a great time.
I don't know if he did or not. He never really talked about the party.
But I think he was a little surprised I basically ignored him.
Regardless, I had a great time.

At one point, my girlfriends and sisters were parading in and out of the kitchen, and one by one I told them that I'm leaving D. Nobody expressed surprise. Nobody asked why. Nobody urged me to go to couples' counseling to save the marriage.

I guess I was the last holdout. The last to figure out that it's just not working.
...holy crap, is it THAT obvious?

The general response was, "When are you leaving? What's your plan to get out? Does he know?" and one girlfriend, bless her heart, was bold enough to say, "I suspected this was coming. Are you ok?"

Hm. It is reassuring to know that I don't have to explain myself. I was dreading that.
I also probably have more of a support group than originally thought. I feel good knowing that.

His Warped Interpretation of Family Tradition

Someone recently had a tantrum in the kitchen, and it wasn't one of the children.

The kids are very proud of their Armenian heritage on D's side of the family. Since D has also loved to cook since he was a child, he learned all his grandmother's traditional recipes when he was young. One of the kids loves cooking, and she wants D to pass these traditional recipes on to her.

(There are no other Armenian relatives to teach the kids these traditions. D chooses not to communicate with his family and despite my trying to stay in touch with his side of the family for the kids' sake, we are not included in any family events at all. Ever.) 

So the other afternoon, D was sitting around playing solitaire on the computer when the cooking kid asked him to show her how to make a particular kid of bread that Nana used to make. He said, "Sure kiddo. Get the stuff out and we'll do it together."

 She immediately got the recipe out, gathered the ingredients, bowl, baking pan, and was waiting in the kitchen when I walked in.

"Where's Dad?" I wanted to know.
"I don't know," she replied.
"How long have you been waiting for him?"
"I don't know, maybe 10 minutes?"

I poked my head in the garage.
"D, she's ready for you."
"Ok, be right there."

I knew what was coming, so suggested the kiddo hang out while we wait for him to eventually meander into the kitchen.

She sat at the kitchen table with a magazine and waited.

Ten minutes later, I heard her call out to him.
"Daaaaaad... I'm waiting."
"Just a sec."

Ten more minutes pass.
"Daaaaad, what's taking so long?"
"Hang on..."
I hear her walk across the kitchen and open the door to the garage.
"Come ON, Dad. What are you doing out there?"

(I'm always worried he's going to be surfing porn or jacking off or something when the kids poke their heads in the garage. No, I'm serious. I've never said anything, but the kids are sometimes nervous about opening the door because even they are not sure what they're going to find. Way to create a nurturing and safe home environment, D.)

"Ok, I'm on my way. God, you are so impatient!" he snapped at her.

Sigh. Really? Poor kid. Extra hugs for her from me, and more determination than ever to move us the hell out of the house.

She waited at the table as he finally walked into the kitchen, but he ignored her and started farting around doing God knows what. She leaned back in her chair with headphones on, listening to something loud and angry while she waited.

Before I knew it, he had started making the bread. 

"Hey," I asked, "Aren't you supposed to be teaching her how to do that?"
"I waited for her. This needs to get started if it's going to be ready in time for supper."
Biting my tongue, I asked, "Did you let her know you're ready to start?"
"She's busy."
"She's waiting for you. Did you let her know you're ready to start?"
"Well she's sitting down. I need to get this going right away."
"DID YOU LET HER KNOW?"
He glared at me. "No..."

I paused and stared at him.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see she's got her headphones off and she's paying attention to what's going on.

"You know," I calmly advised him, "She is not a mind reader. You have to actually take the effort to communicate with your daughter. She asked you to teach her something that only you can teach. This is important to her. She has been waiting for you for almost an hour."
"You don't have to get snippy with me. I know she's not a mind reader."
"Then how did you expect her to know when you were ready to start?"
"Well she was busy."
"But you didn't tell her you were ready. So how did you expect her to know?"
I'm surprised to hear myself stay calm and polite as I asked.

He threw the dough back in the bowl as it clattered to the floor and he stomped out of the kitchen.

What she wanted

What she got

Her jaw dropped as she looked at me.
"Well great, Mom. Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Come on, sweetie, we've seen him do it lots of times. Let's see if we can figure it out."

She and I muddled our way through making the bread and were pretty happy with it by the time it was ready to bake. D arrived on the scene just as the bread was coming out of the oven.

Later that evening, after D went back to hide in the garage, she pulled me aside.
"Mom, why is Dad such an ass sometimes?"
"Honey, I'm sorry but that's just the way he is."
"Mom, we need to get out of here."
"I know. I'm trying."

"Try harder."

(insert emotion here) 20th Anniversary

Today is my anniversary with D. We have been married 20 years.*

D, while I know that there is no point in even hoping that you will say "I love you," and even though you have not acknowledged the day with a gift, flowers, a card, or even a polite "Good morning," this song is my special gift for you.




*I'll be wearing a black armband to commemorate the occasion.

-------------------------------------------

Post-anniversary note:

At about midday, he was standing near me when I was checking the calendar for the date of an appointment I'd had earlier that week. He casually commented, 

"Oh. Today is the 28th. Happy Anniversary."

I braced myself for ... something. Positive or negative, I found myself flinching as he spoke. He was either going to try to be all nicey-nice about it and I'd have to force myself to not get my hopes up, or he was going to be indifferent. Either way hurts because there's no love left, and we shouldn't even be acknowledging any kind of anniversary at this point. 

We should have divorced years ago. 

He was indifferent as he spoke.

He said it with the same emotion that most people would use when they say, 

"The dog is overdue for a trip to the groomer." 

Or, "You should probably throw out that container of mystery mold that's sitting in the back of the fridge."

I shrugged it off.  

He didn't say anything about my lack of response, but went about his day as if life was good and normal. 

Totally indifferent. 

It's hard for me to acknowledge any special dates any more. Valentine's Day, my birthday, Mothers' Day, anniversary... I know if I comment to him about the special day, he shrugs it off. If I try to treat them with the importance I feel they deserve, he will try harder to ignore them - and will completely ignore me, then go about his day as if nothing's wrong in the world.

Either way, it's like he's stabbing me in the heart.