Yes, dancing.
Square dancing.
Last August I made the shocking realization that I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. Even more surprising to me was learning that emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. It was a gigantic holy crap moment for me.
Since then, I have spent countless hours online, researching my situation and learning how I can get out of my situation and begin healing.
A few months ago I stumbled across the idea that I may have PTSD from both the ongoing abuse and the trauma from The Hell Years a few years ago. I blogged about it when I mused about the probability of having PTSD and clinical evaluation for it at "Do I Have PTSD?" The PsyD who tested me concluded that I didn't have it. Today, now that Hell has cooled off and now that I know better, I disagree with the good doctor. I believe I probably do have PTSD.
It would probably do me a world of good if I treated myself as if I have PTSD, so I can begin to heal the damage deep inside of me from 20+ years of emotional abuse and The Hell Years.
For over a year now, I have been job hunting (some temp-to-hire jobs fell through, so I've been working off and on, but nothing permanent. Yet.)
My plan had been:
- Get a permanent job.
- Find an apartment across town
- Move
- Reinvent myself
- Start Living with a capital L.
Last week the plan has had a dramatic change. A square dance followed by a simple comment from the kids made me see that #5 and 4 are the key to me feeling happier overall, which obviously will improve my general outlook on life and my attitude. I know this will lead to my ability to make a better first impression on everyone. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this new attitude shift helps me land a job.
My plan now is:
- Start Living with a capital L.
- Re-Discover myself
- Get a permanent job.
- Find an apartment across town
- Move
Here's what changed:
Since my "Do I Have PTSD?" blog post two months ago, I have been pushing myself to do things that make me happy. And allowing myself to do things that make me happy. The thoughts, "D wouldn't want to do that with me," and "I can't have fun without including D," have been completely absent from my mind. Yes, those used to be the limiting thoughts that always kept me home.
- I went to my girlfriend Claire's house for coffee and to catch up on each others' lives.
- I took the kids out to lunch (using gifted money and a coupon.)
- The kids and I took a day trip to the mountains.
- We even went to a square dance party (why not?) and had a blast.
For the last year, I've been job hunting and holding my breath. The old #1.
No more.
After so many years living in my little cave - my self-imposed prison - I decided I need to stop waiting for my new life to happen and start living now. Living with a capital L.The new #1 on my to-do list.
(No wonder I'm miserable, right?)
- After having coffee with Claire, I felt renewed.
- After sushi with the kids I was feeling bright and happy (and really really full. I always eat one plate too many at track sushi bars.)
- After running up to the mountains for the day I felt like I could finally breathe.
At that birthday party I danced my ass off with several partners (I didn't know any of them), and after the second dance the kids said, "Mom, you actually look really happy for once."
That was it. No more waiting. I'm going to start doing things that make me happy, NOW. I like who I am when I'm doing happy things, and it makes the kids happy to see mom happy. It's so simple it's hard to believe I didn't see it before. My old to-do list was backwards.
As much as I can afford to, I'm going to Live now in the way I had envisioned Living in the future, after I leave D. One of the biggest changes I'm making is dancing. I danced when I was growing up (on stage and in ensembles) and miss it more than I realized. Square Dancing is just $7 every Thursday night at the VFW. I'm going. It's a form of therapy I can afford (I still don't have health insurance, despite Obamacare) and I know it'll help me recover from my depression, low self esteem, abuse... and "P-PTSD." (Probable PTSD)
Today while researching PTSD so I can learn more about how to heal from PTSD on my own, I read several eye-opening posts on Michele Rosenthal's blog Heal My PTSD, and these two grabbed my complete attention:
Huh.
Looks like I'm on the right track.
Feels good to find this kind of validation for what I've just started to figure out on my own.
Thank you, Michele! ♥
The icing on the cake appeared on the homepage of Surviving a Narcissist, where Lisa E. Scott writes about healing,
We must lighten up, relax and go easy on ourselves. Many of us find it easy to have compassion for others, but have very little for ourselves. It never occurs to us to feel it for ourselves. Living life with an unconditional love for ourselves changes everything...
By learning from the moments in life, we become more compassionate and can aspire to live in the now. We can relax and open our heart and mind to what is right in front of us in the moment. We see, feel and experience everything more vividly. This is living. Now is the time to experience enlightenment. Not some time in the future. Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates our future.
Her last sentence popped out at me in big bold neon letters, and it's stuck in my head.
Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates our future.
(And it'll probably help tremendously with the job hunt.)
PS: For some reason, this blog post was really hard to write. I feel it's disjointed and hard to follow, but that's how my head feels today. Scattered. Hard to keep the flow of my thoughts together. Flighty. Over-caffeinated. Edgy. Almost low seratonin-y, like years ago before I started on Prozac. (And I have to completely revise my resume tonight for a really great job posting that just came up! Sheesh; wish me luck.) If it's hard to read and follow, I'm sorry. I don't usually write on days I feel like this, and after 2 hours of working on this, what you see is the best I can do. Bleh.
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